one of those days

[rivendellrose]

Have you ever had a day where, for no real reason and without any honest provocation, you're just in a really nasty mood.

That's me today. Be glad I'm at work and not around any of you, for the moment.



I was already feeling kind of moody and ill-tempered last night - just kind of crummy and not wanting to go to work, and a bit snappish. This morning, though? Woke up blurry-eyed and exhausted, fought off the kitten trying to 'help' me with my morning routine (and boy was he a freak today!), realized I'd left the milk out overnight (d'oh!!!) and then was all cranky on the ride to work, bitching and moaning about anything that came up.

Blargh. I think a large part of my current ill-temper is the looming knowledge that I have $3,195 (or something very close to that, I always forget the last two digits) due in a month.... not counting rent. Owie. That is just going to be insanely painful. I keep checking again and again, hoping they just forgot to factor in my financial aid or something, but so far it looks like no dice on that little ray of hope. Oh, and textbooks, too. And food. And things like that.

Can I afford it? Yeah, sure, I can, I think. Will I have to beg my dad for help (something I really hate doing)? Yeah, probably. If not this quarter, then probably next. It just pains me. I hate spending money - I don't mind little bits, but big stuff freaks me out, especially if I know I haven't done as much as I should in the way of work. I didn't work much this summer, I know. And that upsets me a LOT. Yes, I'm making up for it to some extent now, but there's still that stress, that guilt, and that panicky feeling that it's not enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm a Bad Person for not having done enough. Underneath all the righteous anger at the president and the economy and sky-high tuition rates and everything else I could possibly blame the situation on is just a huge-ass feeling of GUILT. Which is probably a bit silly and a lot useless, but I can't help it. I panic that I should've worked more, I panic that I should find a cheaper place to live, I panic that I shouldn't have spent money on new clothes even though I sort of needed new clothes and the amount was pretty damned tiny compared to everything else. Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt.


Anyway. Work today. Hopefully enough work that I'll a) get out of my funk by sheer virtue of other things to think about and concentrate on, and b) not feel so panicked about impending bills.

ETA and time-bumped: Does anybody have recommendations for a Lord of the Rings fan commnunity that isn't a bunch of screaming fangirls or people saying "the books are kewl" and nothing else?? PLEASE??? I've been feeling disconnected from my One True Fandom, and I blame the ever-so-active HP fandom entirely. So I want to get involved... but fuck if I can find a group that doesn't make my head hurt. Help?

Comments

[ursulakohl.livejournal.com]

I don't do Lord of the Rings fannish stuff-- too personal-- but Barrowdowns is supposed to be very canon-centric & full of knowledgeable people (but also tending toward Christian, and hostile to slash?)

icarusancalion might know other places.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I'm not looking to get involved in fic writing or RPing or anything, more just interested in intelligent discussion and stuff like that. I wouldn't be able to actually play with Lord of the Rings - my feelings toward it are too much like what most people have toward religious texts.

I exaggerate of course. A little. ;)

Thanks, I'll check them (her? him?) out.

[ursulakohl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, icarusancalion is a her. She mostly writes HP stuff, but as I understand it she started out in Lord of the Rings fandom, and mindless squeefulness is definitely not one of her faults ;)

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

I'm right there with you. I didn't work enough over the summer, either, and the job I now have is only part-part-time (and in addition, has nothing whatsoever to do with what I study at the university), and I live in a far too expensive apartment, and I just bought new trousers and a pair of shoes, which I really needed but on which I spent perhaps a bit more than necessary.

And then calls my mum and asks if I'm ok, financially, and I try to lie, but the conversation ends with her telling my dad to put a few hundred into my account IMMEDIATELY (she actually screamed at him during the phone call!), even though I explain that I'm just a bit short at the moment and not eating out of the rubbish bins just yet.

So, yes, the guilt and I are the best of friends. Perhaps we should fix our guilts up, and with any luck, they might run off together and leave us the hell alone?;)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY. I don't know why there's guilt associated with having a job that has nothing to do with one's major, but I'm so with you on that one, too. It's really frustrating, but hey - it's money, and I like my job, much as I bitch about it.

So we send our guilts out on a nice dinner/movie thing, then head for the hills and hope they can't find us again afterward? Sounds good to me! XD

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

Although, there is always the danger of those two procreating, and then we might be held responsible for over-populating the world with guilt!;)