rivendellrose | fic post

Heh. I forgot about this... I must've written it just after I read HBP, but it never quiiiite got finished until just now. Lucky thing I checked it before deleting the document in my by file-cleaning spree I've been on. *g*

Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Snape/Lupin
Title: "Farewell"
Warnings: HBP spoilers
Rating: Probably a PG-13, just for good measure.
Notes: This is probably the last (or 2nd-to-last, depending on how 7 goes...) in the series that began with Pre-Dawn Etude, A Drop of Oil, and The Sun in Your Eyes (and included the fluffy little interlude Tin Stars, as a sort of Christmas special), which supposes that Remus and Severus were briefly a couple just before and during the First War. This installment is set, obviously, in the 'contemporary' era of canon.
Dedication: As always with Snape/Lupin fics in this series, this one's for

theladyfeylene, because it was her Snape that got me started on this whole crazy endeavor.

So farwell Hope, and with Hope farwell Fear,
Farwell Remorse: all Good to me is lost;
Evil be thou my Good.
-Paradise Lost, Book 4.

The knock at the door was not entirely unexpected - he had presumed it would only be a matter of time. Severus dragged himself from the ragged old armchair and across the room, opening the door just enough to see a sliver of a face.

“What are you doing here?”

“You killed him.”

“That’s not an answer, Lupin.” The werewolf looked half-dead with exhaustion, dark circles under his eyes and his body visibly shaking with the effort of just standing on the porch. “How did you even find this place?”

“You brought me here.” Severus was momentarily shocked by the venom in the other’s man’s voice, but it was explained by his next words. “When I met your mother. Right after we moved into the flat.”

Oh. Severus snorted, shaking his head. “I suppose that’s very like you to remember such details.”

“You’d be surprised what I remember.”

“I’m sure.” He meant it to be sarcastic, but the acidity didn’t quite come out right. They stood for a moment, the tension palpable. “Get inside, Lupin. I have no desire to explain to my neighbors why a ragged beggar expired on my doorstep.”

For a moment, he was sure Lupin would refuse and leave him in peace. Then the exhaustion seemed to overcome the last of the werewolf’s reserves and restraint, and he pushed through the doorway, not even looking at Severus as he collapsed into the chair opposite Severus’. In the firelight, Severus could see that his silvered hair was plastered to his head with rain, and under his soaked robes his chest rose and fell quickly, as though he was still trying to catch his breath.

“What did you do, run all the way here? Why didn’t you apparate, you fool?”

Lupin laughed, a tired and resigned sound that was nothing like the echo Severus heard in his mind of a boy whose good humor had survived deprivation and pain. “New ministry laws, Severus. Haven’t you heard? All apparation licenses granted to werewolves were revoked a year ago. And Merlin knows I’ve never been too comfortable on brooms.”

The corner of Severus’ lip tried to curl up as he remembered a miserable eleven year-old Lupin getting dragged into playing at four-man Quidditch with his friends and taking a Quaffle to the stomach, nearly getting knocked off his broom from the impact. He turned the expression quickly into a sneer. “Indeed. Were you planning on answering my question, or just dripping all over the carpet like the beast you are?”

Lupin stared into the fire. “Harry said you killed Dumbledore.”

“I did.”

Lupin turned, hatred evident in his eyes. “Then it was all a lie.”

Another sneer. “Go away, Lupin. Before I decide to give the Dark Lord another gift tonight.”

“Why wouldn’t you? Why not do it, then?” Lupin tried to stand, but seemed to find his legs too weak. “Kill me.”

“And deprive that pink-haired wench of her husband for no better reason than that he’s an idiot?” Severus snorted. “I think not, Lupin. Get out. Go along before I do something regrettable.”

“No.”

There it was - that quiet strength and determination that had never ceased to surprise him, even in the days when he knew Lupin and his moods better than his own. The man was normally so compliant, so soft, that when steel showed through the mild manners it was always striking. And dangerous, in situations like this. “I have killed once already tonight, Lupin, don’t make me do it again.”

“If you were going to kill me, you would have done it already.” Lupin tried to square his shoulders, but the result was ludicrously ineffective in his ragged and baggy robes.

“I imagine that’s what the headmaster thought, as well.” Severus filled them with as much poison as he could - Lupin needed to leave, and soon.

“Severus... tell me. I believed the worst of you once, and found out too late how wrong I’d been. That night all those years ago, when I saw your Mark...”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, to me.” Lupin came too close, touched his arm, and Snape closed his eyes, clenching his teeth against the memories that touch still carried. “Tell me, Severus. More than ever, now, we’re both aware we might be dead before tomorrow. For once in your life, speak the truth.”

“I’ve spoken it many times,” Snape growled. “It seems not many have been willing to listen. I killed the headmaster, and you know all too well what I was in the past. I got you sacked from Hogwarts. Isn’t all of that enough? Or are you such a cur that you’re determined to come back to be kicked again and again until there is nothing left of you?”

“No.” Lupin’s eyes glowed in the dim fire-light of Spinner’s End. “I’ve let you twist the truth too often, Severus. I never know which ways are the lies and which are the truth. If this is the last time we speak...”

“Lupin, you idiot...” A quick look at the clock confirmed Snape’s worst fears. Only five minutes until the appointed hour, and some, such as Bellatrix, did take pride in arriving early for these little soirees. Or, worse, Pettigrew.

“Just that one question, Severus. All those years ago, when I left our flat... Why didn’t you say something?”

“You’d seen all that you needed. The evidence was before you, and my position was tenuous - why take on further risk by sleeping with the enemy. We were both better off - we knew it wouldn’t last. And I couldn’t risk them suspecting,” he added bitterly, just as Lupin opened his mouth to continue his inane questions, chewing and worrying at the subject like a dog with a shoe. “There was too much at stake.”

The tension poured from Lupin’s body and for a moment he looked as though he was about to collapse onto the ground with the release. “All these years... Severus, I--”

“You have your answer, now go. Get out of here.”

“But Severus...”

Just then, a soft knocking came from the back door. Snape pulled a dark, dusty old blanket from the sofa beside them and threw it over Lupin’s shoulders. “The front door, hurry. Don’t stop for anything, and keep your wand in your hand. Never come to this place again.” He made as if to shove Lupin toward the door, but the other man turned in his grip and pressed cold, chapped lips against his for a fraction of a second before turning and running, slipping out the door as quickly as he’d arrived and moving off, another shadow in a dark and disreputable neighborhood. For an instant, Severus allowed himself the luxury of a hope that the man would make it to safety.

And then the knocking came again, and he turned his back on the door and everything outside it. Regrets would have to wait a while longer.