bwuh?

[rivendellrose]

I realize that I say this at the risk of being beaned by everyone so much as a year older than me on my f-list, but... am I getting old or something?

I had that group project for archaeology a while ago, and some folks came around the library while we were doing our research, asking if people would fill out a questionaire for their psych project. Sure, no problem. "Are you all 21 or over?" they ask. Before I can answer, both my group-mates are saying "Just barely!" To which I kind of went "...really?" And then got even more confused when I found out that one of them is married, the other's getting married in July. o_O

And then, today, I found out another girl in our class is getting married this summer. Now, this is a class of only about 20 students... Which leaves me wondering, what the fuck? I wouldn't mind if these girls were significantly older than me or something, but... dude, I'm older than them! And what the heck are they doing getting married when they can barely drink?!

Everybody's in a rush. Hell, I'm still working on making a relationship stick for more than six months, for crying out loud. So confused.

Comments

[narsilion.livejournal.com]

Nah, you're not old at all, they are just getting married FAR too young
in my honest opinion.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I think so, too. At least they're finishing their degrees, though...

[diea.livejournal.com]

Dude, there's a girl I met in high school who is now married with a kid. She's only a year or two older than me, which would make her around twenty-two now. It's craziness. People think they can get married and it'll all be roses, but it doesn't work that way. It's always better off to wait. Those girls are going to be regretting their decisions in a couple years.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I have a few friends from highschool who are in that spot - married straight out of highschool, baby or 'trying' soon after. How one can be trying for a baby when only one partner has a real job and both still live in an apartment above the husband's parents' garage is beyond me. Oh, cultural/religious differences... how they tweak my brain.

I was really happy with one of the girls, 'cause she seemed like she was going to wait on kids... but then she got pregnant, quit school with one quarter to go and, last I saw her, is now a stay-at-home-mom. I'll grant her, the kid's adorable. But I'd hoped she would keep her options a lot more open than that, and take advantage of the fact that she's a damned bright woman.

[becksbooks.livejournal.com]

I felt that way when I was in my MIT program - it was like engagement/weddings were catching - everyone - with the exception of myself and one other girl - was either married or engaged, or GOT engaged at some point during the program. To my mom's eternal chagrin, I just don't see what the hurry is

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

The same thing happened with coramegan in med school - I guess that's just the way it goes, in programs like that.

I can see wanting to be with somebody, but I'm definitely not on with the actual marriage just quite yet. That's a big step to go into at our age, for me at least.

[ciara-belle.livejournal.com]

I'm almost positive that I will have to go to at least one wedding the summer after graduation. One of my roommates has already been dating her boyfriend for four years, and she's not even 21 until May!

I just don't understand what the rush is. Personally, I don't really see getting married until I'm at least done with my master's.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I've had a few friends getting married since highschool, but all but the one last summer were Mormon friends, which is pretty normal for that group. The one last summer had graduated from college, so it was surprising but not a complete shock, I guess.

I don't see it until I'm at least past 25 - I'd prefer not til I get my masters, but I have no real idea when I'll be doing that, yet. I'm taking some time off to figure out what I want, first. ;)

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

I don't get the rushing to marriage thing. It's kinda sad actually.

My partner (who's 9 years older than I) was 37 when we got together and we've been together 4 years. I tell that to my friends who are like 24 and despairing that they'll ever meet someone. Take your time and the right person will come along.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

It really is sad. I mean, I know some folks get married at my age or younger and do just fine, have great relationships, the whole deal. But I also know a lot of people who get married young and end up getting divorced a year or so later, or just end up miserable.

We had a roommate for a while who, at 21, was engaged to a guy she'd known for something like a month before they agreed to get married. She wanted to have the wedding in December, six months after they'd met. Her parents refused and scheduled for this coming summer, which left me going "a year? You think a year is long enough?"

She was crazy in other ways, of course, too. But it was still disturbing.

And I'm glad to hear a success story - it does feel sometimes like people get paired off and those of us who don't just sort of are left feeling confused. ;)

[barn-swallow.livejournal.com]

Dude, I don't even know. This is something I end up thinking about every like 6 months. I don't know what the answer is anymore. Because on the one hand, that's crazy early. You have no idea if it will work out or not. And even if it works at first who knows later. My parents got married when they were 20 and 21 and then got divorced recently after 30+ years being married. Which makes me think that no matter what age you get married at you have no idea if it will work out or not. And on the other, even though I think it's stupid to get married early, I've been dating my boyfriend & planning to get married since we were 16 & 17. Which isn't the same as being married but if I think it's stupid, I'm not really doing anything different.

It is stupid for sure if people are getting married young just because they want to get married. Whatever fantasy idea they have about it probably won't come true. And so many people get so into the wedding they forget they're meant to be stuck together for several decades.

Whatever, maybe it doesn't matter because almost everyone ends up divorced anyway =P (Clearly I have some concerns, perhaps "issues," when it comes to marriage haha.) Let me know if you figure this out, I am confused as well.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I've got some issues similar to what you have as regards marriage in general (my parents divorced the spring before I started highschool), but it seems to me that later marriages (at least later than teens and early twenties, let's say) might have a better chance of surviving. Maybe I'm slow on the whole personal-development track, but I'm still trying to figure out who I am at this point, let alone adding in a whole other person with whom my life's supposed to be tied.

And I think there's a big difference between dating a person and planning to get married from a young age and actually getting married at that age. The emotional investment is basically the same, I think, but the political and economic stuff isn't, and it's that much easier to deal with a potential break-up if you don't have to deal with legalities and all that on top of it, I expect. Plus, I presume that you guys aren't living together yet - that adds a whole new strain on relationships, too.

The thing that worries me the most, as you pointed out, is when the girls (it's always girls, for me - none of my guy-friends or guy-classmates have been going through weddings) are soooo focused on the wedding itself that it kind of makes you wonder why they're going through it. We had a housemate for a while who was one of those, and there were seriously days when I felt like grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her, and asking "are you in love with this guy, or with the fucking white dress and pearls?" And honestly? I think it was the dress. :P

[barn-swallow.livejournal.com]

I think there are so, so many people (esp the girls, but they somehow get guys to go along) that do just love the white dress and the party. Which is when I say "Just have a damn party and dress up, but don't get married!!" I mean I know people that were planning a wedding while living together in the guy's parents' basement. I'd be way more concerned about planning a place to LIVE than a dress & party. But maybe that's why I'm not married ;-)

I also don't understand how there seems to be a set age when everyone gets married (like you/other people commenting here are noticing). It's "supposed" to be when you find the right person but so many people get married/engaged right when college is over or in the years right after that. Which makes me think it's more like you decide you are ready to get married and then find someone else who is and there you go. It's more timing than that being the "right" person (assuming you at least mostly like them and they aren't abusive and so on).

But it seems to work out, mostly, I guess... I mean you are going to keep growing up anyway no matter how old you are, and it's going to be hard no matter who you are with... And I think the whole "soulmate" thing is BS so maybe the "right person" thing is too.

It confuses me so much =P And it's hard being this age and seeing everyone get married and (thinking about it myself), while also watching my parents (and my mom's two siblings, all in like 5 years) go through divorces after being together for a while and having kids and so on.

Once again it's more of a discussion for therapy than LJ because it's so freaking complicated. I'm just glad to find out I'm not the only one! (Actually I think I asked almost-similar questions a long time ago on my Xanga, and got interesting responses then too.)

Yeah we aren't living together yet, and I know it's not the same as being married. I'm going to laugh so hard when we realize we actually hate each other ;-) I guess that will take care of the marriage question!

I am writing you a novel.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

That's it exactly - and I understand to some extent because, hell, who doesn't want all the pretty and the romance and that whole deal? I get a bit jealous of all of it sometimes, and I'm not even involved with anybody. So I totally get the impulse, but at the same time, it's gotta be more than that. And not giving yourself time to make sure it isn't just that is just asking for trouble.

There's an extent to which yeah, it's just social cues and our society and all. My friends who got married just out of highschool were Mormon - getting married out of highschool is what you do if you're a girl in that culture. That or go on mission, which is what my one other Mormon friend did. And... bloody hell, who's to say it's the wrong thing, I suppose? From an anthropological point of view (gods I hate this major for making me think of things like this) it's a perfectly normal thing. Waiting is the weirder thing, in terms of human cultures across history and space. Is it better? Is it worse?

And the number of marriages that end in divorce in our culture... maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's just that in the 'olden days' people stuck with marriage (almost) no matter what, because of religious and social pressure, and so they were just making themselves miserable. Or maybe modern people are too impatient and selfish to stick with a marriage and make it work. It's all a matter of your perspective and how you want to look at it, when you get right to the bottom. I, personally, think it's good for people to wait and good for people to have total freedom to divorce if they're not feeling happy in the marriage anymore, but I do also think that people should make the effort to make things work, because... hell, even friendships are hard to make work, on the long-term sometimes. So much moreso a real relationship.

I don't normally believe in the "soul-mate" thing (I don't think, anyway), but I do believe there are... degrees of rightness? Kind of like matching up traits and personality bits and all that, trying to find someone who fits what you need/want, and for whom you fit what they want/need. Not to mention hitting the timing right - I've known some people who, if I'd met them later or earlier or even just gotten my act together a bit earlier, we might've really worked out. I got pretty well messed up by the combined efforts of my first three relationships (nothing against them, it just seems like I got some weird patterns going in my head after we broke things off), and it messed up the next three pretty seriously. I've been single for about a year, now, and I think I'm finally settling down, mentally, and figuring out the lessons that I needed to learn. So hopefully progress is being made... and I guess that's what it's about. It's all a process of growth and maturing, where hopefully somebody else joins in on the process with you at some point. ;)

...I'm writing an uber-novel to you, apparently. o_O

[ggirl.livejournal.com]

hey - just found your journal and wanted to say that I agree with you on every point you just made. I got married when I was 25 to someone I'd been with since 21, lived together, moved x-country together, etc. Thought he was 'the one' and now it's 4 years into the marriage and I am seriously considering divorce. I feel like I did give it a lot of time to work out..i mean we've been together continuously for 8 years, but this was all through my 20's and I am SO different today at 29 than I was at 21. Wish so badly that I'd been able to see into the future and that my needs ended up changing. Unfortunately for me, it means that I got married too young. But I also think it's fortunate that I'm seeing this now and not 20 years from now. I really agree with your points about divorce in our generation..it's different than it was. Depends on your perspective but I think people divorce more now because they just aren't willing to put up with bullshit anymore..not willing to sacrifice their needs like they felt they had to back then. That's just my opinion realizing that I'm well beyond the point where I can sit back and accept a mediocre marriage that evolved into a platonic situation over time. Anyway, I wish someone had really taken the time to sit down with me and talk some sense into me. But hindsight is 20/20...

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I guess that's the way with almost any age people marry at - my parents weren't all that young when they married, and they'd been together for a fair while, but eventually it just didn't work out. You never can tell. And it's got to make it even harder when people move, as well - that's always a dangerous gamble, since a lot of times people have a hard time really settling into a new city...

Definitely with you on people just plain not being willing to put up with shit anymore. On the other hand, I've read a lot of stuff about how people expect marriage to be the absolute everything of their life, and I suppose you could say that expecting all of that from one person isn't entirely fair? Tends to set up for failure, maybe, if a person isn't willing to accept that the other person has to have independence, their own friends, their own hobbies, whatever. It's a tough balance to negotiate, and I sure as hell don't have the experience with relationships to really say anything intelligent about it. ;) It's good to meet you, though, and I hope you manage to work out your marriage to your advantage, whatever you end up deciding that means.

[ggirl.livejournal.com]

thanks! I actually had forgotten to say earlier that I really agreed with your statement that there are different levels of compatability..that's sort of what I wanted to say..that I agree that people expect marriage to be their everything, and when they realize it isn't their world comes crashing down. In my case, I had doubts before I got married, which should have been my real warning and I should have listened to my instincts. I remember crying to my mom on the phone a few months before telling her I felt confused, etc..people kept telling me that was normal so I swallowed it and let myself believe that getting married would solve the problems. Obviously that's a myth a lot of people have, and we find ourselves realizing that it ain't the case. And back to the different levels of tolerance..yes, I agree completely. There are things about my partner that I absolutely cannot deal with now, that I think I tolerated better when I was younger and those things maybe weren't as important as they are now, as I've grown more into myself. An example would be my love of the outdoors..this seems like something I shouldn't have to sacrifice..it's something I want to be able to share with a life partner, but the one I chose doesn't have any interest in hiking, etc. He spends most of his time indoors in front of his computer. I realize now that I can't live my life this way anymore, so I have to do something to change it. There are other things too, but when you figure out what you are and are not willing to sacrifice to be with someone, that's when you sort of know what you'd be able to deal with. I guess I know by now that no man is perfect, but I am still a romantic and I'd like to believe that whoever I end up with will genuninely want to be with me and enjoy the things I enjoy..when I choose again it will be someone I feel more compatible with than my current spouse - not completely compatible, but enough to be happier than I am now.

[penmage.livejournal.com]

It's weird. Everyone seems to be getting married super-young, and I don't know where this trend came from. I mean, okay, I'm 22 and married, so I'm not really one to talk, but in my case, I stumbled into it - I wasn't looking to get married, but when you meet the right person, you suddenly are ready. But man - people are getting married all over the place, way younger than me, and I have no idea why.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Exactly - it's like the whole "wait for marriage" trend is getting reversed in our society right now, and I can't figure out for the life of me why that would be. I mean, early 20s is definitely still 'waiting' compared to earlier this century, but it still seems like backing off what the trend was a decade or two ago, doesn't it?

(And I'm a sad human being for having a moment of feeling all "Ack! I'm older than her, too! I really need to get over this complex...)