joys of a common name, and "other"

[rivendellrose]

Today I received the English Department's alumni newsletter (apparently they only put it out once a year...), and in the back there was a nifty little section for what people from the department are doing now that they've left. I found my old professor, who is now working at some university in California... and I also found myself. Or at least I found my name.

My name is working as a writer for Expedia.com.

Some other bitch has stolen my life. And she's living it a hell of a lot better than me.

I know this really ought to be funny - hell, it is funny - but it also pisses me off unaccountably. Because damn it, that's what I want to be doing, but I'm such a twitty little non-entity when it comes to any kind of actual ambition and drive, that all I'm doing is working customer service at a bookstore. Which, yes, is fun. But it's not what I want to be doing, and I damned well know it. But I feel trapped because I don't feel like I can give up a really good job just because I feel like I 'ought' to be doing something better, and because I'm afraid that if my job record starts looking like I can't commit to something, then I'll be totally fucked. Besides, I have no professional writing experience. I'm a good writer, but my one chance to write for an actual company got buggered by not knowing the publishing software they were using, and by my being called for jury duty. And all my writing samples are either schoolwork or... well, fanfic. Or half-conceived fantasy/sci-fi.

So basically, I'm depressed on the job front. And I have work tomorrow (the 2nd to last day for textbook returns for the quarter), which, in my current mood, ought to be a real joy. The skin on my feet is doing a thing that's bothering me (at the risk of TMI, yes, I've been treating them for athlete's foot... and I can't tell if it's working 'cause I've never had it before), I keep having these weird little allergy-rashes, and I'm hormonal. Joy of joys.

I went to the zoo today, though. It was sunny, and all the animals were being cute, and I only wanted to strangle small children or their parents a few times. And I took pictures with my camera. And then I came home and wrote. So it was a good day. Aside from the freaking about the job and a few other things.

Like being a horrible person who never writes to her family. And freaking out about finding another place to live. Little things.

Watching one of the more depressing episodes of 5th season Buffy may not have been one of my brighter ideas tonight, come to think of it. I can only hope it won't cause dreams. All the fic-writing lately has been doing funny things with my subconscious. I had evil!Angel in my dreams last night, and I still don't feel like I can reliably write him.

I need bed so I can quit feeling like a drama whore.

Comments

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't know if you're looking for suggestions, but if you want to try to get into technical or content writing, a way to get started and get professional experience would be to search out magazines/webzines/websites that take submissions and try getting them published through there (I suspect paying markets are best, but you may not be able to start there). Once you build up a writing resume, you'll have a better way to show that you can write in their terms, and maybe get a job more suited to you.

There is no shame in applying for jobs while you work your current job. You got out of college a year ago. People aren't expecting you to have settled into everything already. It's easy enough to say "I took this job at the bookstore to cover the bills while I worked on getting myself set up to work towards the career I really want." "Well what's that?" "This one, of course!" Heh.

I have a blessedly good company, and a job that isn't immoral (I don't have much soul for automotive marketing, but it's not evil like commission sales was :P) and pays reasonably well, but it's not what I want to be doing, and I'm not fully content. I'm grateful for my day job, but knowing that I want to be a professional novelist, I'd go apeshit if all I did was my day job and I wasn't working on my dream in the evenings. There's a very big chance that even if I get to go pro, I still won't get to do it full time, ever. But I'd like to think my overall content-levels would be higher :D

(I'm very jealous of people who can honestly work soulless day jobs and come home and indulge in their hobbies and actually be happy that way forever. Life would be so much easier :D)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

Thanks. I've been trying to work up the guts to write some stuff for that sort of thing, but I'm sort of having the "ack, I don't have anything interesting to say!" syndrome. Which I know I just need to work past, but it still makes things... difficult.

You make a good point, there. On the other hand, as I keep telling myself, until I get myself worked up a little bit more to actually get the kind of job I want, there's no point in ditching a sure and reasonably good thing. I like my job. It's just not at all what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, or even for a significant portion of my future. So... I guess it's all about setting goals and getting off my butt and pursuing them. Which are things I need practice at anyway.

I'm not really jealous of them, I guess - as much as it annoys me sometimes, I'm sort of proud that I'm not the kind of person who can be happy doing a job that doesn't fulfill my real skills. On the other hand, life would be easier... so maybe you're right that we should be jealous of them. ;)

[tonsai.livejournal.com]

I've got nothing really to say except that we are in the same boat, and it really is a gigantic drag. It has got to be the #1 contributor to my depression. So good luck figuring it out.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there. Honestly, from what you've said, I thought your job sounded pretty cool - I mean, at least you get to do research/mental/intellectual type stuff, right? Even though it's not really what you're after?

Either way, though, good luck to you, too. *Hugs* I hope you find something that suits you better. Maybe up in Seattle. *Hint hint*

[hoperomantic.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time of it.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I'm doing better today, I was just having one of Those kinds of days yesterday. Thanks for the sympathy.

[cirakaite.livejournal.com]

Like the other people said above - there's no shame in sticking with a job that pays the bills while you're looking for the thing that really speaks to you. Don't let yourself think that this is it forever- you will find something perfect, that you love doing. It just takes some time. ♥

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hope you're right. I'm just not that good at being patient, I guess. :P