'To Be My Own'

[rivendellrose]

Fandom: BSG
Characters: Leoben and Kacey, mention of Kara
Title: "To Be My Own"
Summary: She's meant to be his. They both are.
For: deborah_judge, with thanks for the loaning of her muse. He really is very amicable, even if he did insist that a drabble was far too short.

Warnings: Kidnapping of a child, and reference to this fandom's would-be Stockholm Syndrome situation.

Notes: I cannot for the life of me remember what we called the marketplace on New Caprica (if it was ever called anything?), so I have dubbed it 'the agora.' Agora means marketplace in Ancient Greek. *Shrugs* And if I've totally borked canon somewhere along the line, please forgive me - TwizTV's scripts are helpful, but only go so far. :P



The idea came to him, with the force and fire of prophecy, the first time he saw the little girl dancing out of her mother’s reach in the agora. Most of the children of New Caprica stayed close to their parents, afraid of the Centurions who clanked around on patrols. Not this one. She laughed and turned toward him as she ran, her face lit with a smile that hit him like a knife through his heart. Not metaphorically, either. He knew that smile, and he knew precisely what a knife felt like in his heart; he’d seen and felt them together five times over the last year, as Kara Thrace gloated while his body fell cold at her feet, the blood still dripping from her knife. He’d have to be more careful in the future - she’d never love him if he kept letting her get hold of weapons.

But now he had a weapon of his own to use in return, he thought with a smile.

He knelt down and smiled at the little blonde girl. She continued smiling back at him. Children might be afraid of the Centurions, but they hadn’t learned to recognize he and his brothers and sisters as Cylons, yet.

"Hello. My name’s Leoben." He held out his hand to her. "What’s yours?"

She shook his first two fingers solemnly. "Kacey."

"I’m glad to meet you, Kacey. You remind me of someone very important. Your name is even a bit like hers. She’s called Kara. Would you like to meet Kara, Kacey?"

Kacey nodded. Straight from the mouths of babes, he told himself - God was smiling on this plan. He stood up, his fingers still in hers, just as the little girl’s mother caught sight of them. She recognized him, and her face went white with fear. She started trying to push through the crowd to get to them faster, shouting. A pair of Centurions on patrol cut off her path and herded her in the opposite direction, over her screamed protests.

With that problem solved, Leoben bent and picked up Kacey. She felt right in his arms - weight, solidity, her soft hair against his cheek. This was the right thing to do. This would help Kara to understand. And it wouldn’t hurt Kacey, either. She obviously hadn’t been getting enough to eat, and there was dirt on her face and clothes. With him - with them, him and Kara both - she would have all the good food her little body needed, the best medical care, and the most comfortable home. She would know God’s love - he'd save her from the blasphemy of the Humans' false gods. She would be his and Kara’s and all would be as he’d foreseen.

He’d seen it all long ago, before the holy war, before they’d ever dreamed of what they had here on New Caprica. He’d seen Kara Thrace, beautiful and intense as looking into the light of the sun, and he’d seen how it would go between them. Round and round in circles of hate and fear and, finally, acceptance and love, then back to the hate and fear again. Always the same, but always different. He’d seen her kill him - seen his blood on her hands - and he’d seen her hold him and tell him she loved him. And Kacey was a part of that. He knew the instant he saw her. She looked so much like Kara must have looked as a child.

She was resilient, too. She cried, at first - sniffled and whined that she wanted to go back to the agora, that her mother would miss her, and she flailed a bit at him when he told her that she would have a new mother. Her little fists smacked his cheek and his arms, and that reminded him of Kara, too. How very alike they were, both struggling against what they didn’t understand. But she cried herself quiet after a while, and he spoke gently to her and explained to her that her mother wasn’t able to take good care of her anymore, and that he wanted to be her friend and her father, now, and that his friend Kara would want to meet her and be her mother. "Kara is a very important and wonderful person - just like you are, aren't you?" He smiled. "But she's sad and scared right now, Kacey," he continued. "She’s been through a lot. She needs a friend. Do you think you can be a friend for her?"

Kacey nodded solemnly, and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"We’re going to need some new clothes for you," Leoben told her with a wry smile. "We can’t have Kara thinking that I’ve mistreated you."

This would be right. His plan would work, and they would both be his. This time, it would all be right.

Comments

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

Oh, wonderful! You get his voice just right, and this is just how he would think.

(I am running and can't say more now but I will comment more tomorrow. I did like this very much.)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

So glad you liked it (I blame your icon for the subject matter, btw). ♥ And very glad his voice came out right - it sounded right in my head, but you never know with a new character. :P

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

All right, back to continue with the squee...I do really think you have his voice right. You write him with respect, and I really appreciate that. I mean, on the one hand he's doing awful things, on the other hand he does maybe see things that no one else does. And not just the visions but the way he notices things about people. I really like how he gets Kacey on his side. He's pretty convincing, in his way.

communities for posting

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

If you're trying to figure out where to post this, I'd recommend bsg2003fics (the general list) and trial_by_water (the Leoben/Kara shippers group which is also open to Leoben-centric gen).

Re: communities for posting

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'd been wondering where the heck I could throw this stuff for slightly wider audience. Thank you!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

You write him with respect, and I really appreciate that.

The thing is, as weird as it seems given that he was involved in near-genocide, multiple counts of kidnapping and assorted other just plain creepy behavior, it's impossible not to respect him after a certain point. He's definitely not right from 'our' perspective (there's really no excuse for kidnapping Kacey, and holding Starbuck captive, while slightly less reprehensible, is definitely a case of "in the wrong"), but he not only has good intentions but also seems to be genuinely sorry for his part in the near-genocide, and trying to make up for it in his own screwy way. Plus, admittedly, I have a stupid soft-spot for the really hopeless unrequited love character arc, and he's definitely got that going on.

I love a good noble 'villain,' anyway. Definitely one of my favorite tropes.

And you're damned right he's pretty convincing. Believe me, a few months ago I'd have laughed if you'd told me that I'd be making the above argument in his favor. :P

[icepixie]

Oooh. That was creepy and a little sad all at the same time. Leoben is so utterly wrong-headed, but damned if he doesn't believe he's putting God's plan into motion.

Also, she’d never love him if he kept letting her get hold of weapons...bwahaha!

(I still need to read your long BSG fic! I have it bookmarked, but just haven't gotten to it yet. Soon!)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

He's definitely a creepy little bastard, yup. But he means so well by it, in his strange way! It's sort of charming, right up until I remember reading the same kind of logic from real-life religious-whack-kidnappers. Then I kind of want to back away slowly. :P

she’d never love him if he kept letting her get hold of weapons...bwahaha!

I didn't have the chance to rewatch all the relevant episodes while I was writing this, so I did a quick tour on TwizTV reading the scripts, and... do you have any idea how much even creepier his dialogue is when it doesn't have the actor to sell it? OH MY GOD. I'm sitting there going "really? I do not remember... okay, I guess I do, but... damn." He was totally thinking this! He was totally thinking all that time that she would love him if he could just get her to stop gutting him every other day! And he thought it was funny when he couldn't!

(Wheeeeeee. It did end up quite long, I know. I hope you like it whenever you do get 'round to it!)

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

But he means so well by it, in his strange way!

Yes, you definitely get that across here - whatever crazy-seeming thing he's doing, he's really just trying to do good. And the thing is, we don't *know* he's wrong. Like what you say about religious nut-job kidnappers, except in the BSG universe miracles canonically happen and angels appear and people see visions and there is canonical evidence for the afterlife. So does that change how we morally evaluate someone who kidnaps because God told him to? In any case you definitely get across here how Leoben just defies our moral judgement. He's got his moral standards and he's doing his best according to them, and if your moral standards are different he's not really all that bothered by that.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

except in the BSG universe miracles canonically happen and angels appear and people see visions and there is canonical evidence for the afterlife. So does that change how we morally evaluate someone who kidnaps because God told him to?

Yeah, that's one of the things that consistently weirds me out about BSG. It's definitely clear that there are miracles, that we do have prophetic visions happening (Athena, Roslin, and Caprica's visions about Hera come to mind immediately, as well as Kara's precognitive paintings...), and that puts us smack in the position of being unsure about how true or false Leoben's prophecies and so on are. We know he's right about Starbuck leading everyone to Earth (twice, in fact). And we know he's right about her saying she loves him, although that one doesn't quite count as she did it to distract him, knowing he'd had that vision. Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy, there.

Which I guess brings up another question - to what extent was Kara's involvement in bringing the fleet to Earth (including going back for the Arrow of Apollo, and thereby rescuing Athena and Helo, allowing for the possibility of everything that happens with Hera, etc.) because of what Leoben told her? If he hadn't come aboard Galactica to deliver his prophecy to her, would she have still took into her head to go haring off back to Caprica? And to what extent did Kara 'need' the experience of being held captive by him (and everything that included, such as the whole thing with Kacey) in order to do what she did later in the series?

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

And we know he's right about her saying she loves him, although that one doesn't quite count as she did it to distract him,

Weeelll... You've seen this deleted scene, right? If you accept that deleted scene, and if she's actually talking to Leoben (or thinks she is), to me that makes pretty clear that she actually meant it.

And to what extent did Kara 'need' the experience of being held captive by him (and everything that included, such as the whole thing with Kacey) in order to do what she did later in the series?

Yeah, that's a pretty important question. I think that without having some sort of intensely powerful emotional connection with Leoben she wouldn't have trusted him on the Demetrius, and her trust in him is what made possible the alliance between humans and the rebel Cylons - and by extension the survival of (some of) the Cylons. Having said that, I can easily imagine an AU in which he trusted his visions more and found some way of connecting with her that didn't involve kidnapping. My working theory is that he knew that his connection with Kara was necessary for a human/Cylon alliance and he was (futilely and wrongly) trying to speed things up quickly enough to save his sisters' experiment in coexistence on New Caprica. (I have a fic with that premise that keeps getting stalled...maybe I'll finish it next.)

Kara finding Earth1 might not have happened if she didn't trust him in Maelstrom, but it didn't do any good so whatever. (Hence in my revisionist fic I needed to make Earth1 very important.) Leoben didn't have anything to do with Kara finding Earth2, she got that from her dad. (But that was in season 4.5 once Leoben was gone from the show and the writers had given up on anything making any sense with regard to anything at all.) Kara thinks about Leoben while she's making that jump to Earth2, but it's not clear what he gave her to help her do it other than the confidence that she could.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I have, but that was back when I was angry angry angry at the whole situation with Leoben, before our conversations made everything make another kind of sense. I'll have to go back and watch it again (YouTube is refusing to show it to me since I don't have an account with them and it has "questionable" content, but I have all the DVDs) now that I'm... more sympathetic toward the whole thing. I vaguely recall it, but the details are spotty and full of me being annoyed and not seeing it all clearly.

My working theory is that he knew that his connection with Kara was necessary for a human/Cylon alliance and he was (futilely and wrongly) trying to speed things up quickly enough to save his sisters' experiment in coexistence on New Caprica.

That's pretty much where I'm at, too. And, randomly, that's another thing about Leoben that's fascinated me - he seems to have little to no interest in any other male character, and a lot of sympathy and interest for female characters. It's an odd dynamic, and I find myself wondering what it might be based out of. I mean, obviously, Cavil and Doral, not the greatest company in the world, and poor Simon never seemed to be around enough to have a personality, let alone relationships with the other Cylons, whereas the female Cylons all have such interesting, strong personalities, but even in my head, it's like it's just not possible to picture Leoben as having a constructive or complete relationship with another man. He rebels and just wanders away. It's interesting, and seems really unusual.

(And you should totally finish that fic, it sounds really interesting!)

But that was in season 4.5 once Leoben was gone from the show and the writers had given up on anything making any sense with regard to anything at all.

Aww, poor season 4.5. I think I had a better experience of it by sheer virtue of not having a gap between it and 4. We ran through everything so quickly that it took me until after the finale to start questioning things. But I do agree with you that the thing with her father seemed... odd. Particularly odd in Ron Moore's insistence that her father wasn't the seventh Cylon, the artistic type that Ellen speaks so fondly of. Which... why not? Wouldn't that sort of clear things up in a lot of ways? I know "why not" is because he was using Daniel as a jumping-off for Caprica, but I never really got the sense that that Daniel and this Daniel were meant to be the same, based on plot descriptions, so I'm not sure how one impacts the other except as inspiration, which wouldn't seem to preclude another identity for Daniel as the man we know as Dreilidh Thrace. Besides, IMHO that would make Kara's connection to the Cylons and the Cylon theme so much more sensible, and help to tie together threads that otherwise make no sense.

Kara thinks about Leoben while she's making that jump to Earth2, but it's not clear what he gave her to help her do it other than the confidence that she could.

I think the meaning to the connection there is that she has the confidence, yes, but also that she really is going to bring the fleet to Earth. She did it the first time, but it was wrong. This time, it really works. And that, bringing his prophecy to fruition, I guess is the "point" of their interaction.

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

he seems to have little to no interest in any other male character, and a lot of sympathy and interest for female characters.

Yeah, he always asks me nicely to put only female characters in any story I write for him so he doesn't have to interact with men. But you should know, not everyone sees him this way, and he actually gets slashed pretty often.

My theory as to why? Remember my personal canon about how the original Cylons were made to be either killing machines or blow-up dolls? Well, er, I think he takes after his great-grandmother's side of the family. (This is also part of the fic I keep not finishing.)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

But you should know, not everyone sees him this way, and he actually gets slashed pretty often.

Naturally they do, as this is fandom, but... I do rather feel like Leoben is a case where I just sort of sit aside, shake my head, and mutter "but they didn't even look at each other in canon." I mean, seriously - male characters with whom Leoben has interacted: Adama. Possibly Sam in some off-camera moments. Which, I grant you, both cases have that rivalry or hatred slash potential that a lot of people like, but... IMHO, I think they both had bigger things to be thinking about in both cases.

Besides, if people really wanted rival-slash, the better pairing would clearly be Apollo/Sam. Rival-slash isn't my thing, but that, at least, would have a good amount of emotional content to work with. Leoben's reaction to other men in the show always seems to be to sort of stare blankly and then continue with whatever he was doing. (Except Adama, but it's hard to do that when someone like Adama is beating the snot out of you. And also, I have an annoying knack for forgetting that was Leoben in the first episode, so I don't remember it terribly well...)

Well, er, I think he takes after his great-grandmother's side of the family.

Given everything we see of him in canon, that makes perfect sense to me... And neatly evens out the fact that anybody who thinks D'Anna might be descended from the blow-up-doll side of the family probably has a concussion coming on...

[deborah-judge.livejournal.com]

Possibly Sam in some off-camera moments.

They have that nice scene together on the Demetrius, and then there's the bizarrely sweet shot of them both holding post-concussion Kara...in season 4.0 some people were writing them as an OT3, which I can see, but I don't see them having a connection outside of Kara.

(Having said that, I have heard a case made for Sam as Leoben's creator, under the theory that each of the Final Five had a Cylon for whom they were particularly responsible. I see Leoben with Ellen because of the God thing, but I can also see how you could make the Sam/Leoben connection.)

Leoben also talks to One in 'The Plan.' But not in a way that shows any particular respect or interest.

anybody who thinks D'Anna might be descended from the blow-up-doll side of the family probably has a concussion coming on

Weelll...there is that freaky thing with her trying to steal Baltar from Six. So I think she has a bit of it, just like Leoben has some of the War Machine stuff. But yeah, I think she more takes after her great-grandpa the power drill.

also, I have an annoying knack for forgetting that was Leoben in the first episode

I don't think they had figured out the character, so he doesn't really seem himself yet.

[websandwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Creeptastic and plausible - I started to write a fic wherein Kacey was Kara and Leoben's child, a while back, but only got two chapters in before getting distracted with something new and shiny, forget what . . I should find that . .

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Creeptastic and plausible

Thank you! ♥

. . I should find that . .

You should! I'd love to see what you'd do with it!

[rose-griffes.livejournal.com]

Leoben: how so creepy and yet sort of understandable?

Well done. I enjoyed reading this.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Leoben: how so creepy and yet sort of understandable?

Precisely my feeling.

Thank you, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[exbex.livejournal.com]

Very nice. You handled Leoben deftly; not a monster but not exactly a good guy either, very fixated on his own ideas, misguided but not evil.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

not a monster but not exactly a good guy either, very fixated on his own ideas, misguided but not evil.

Thank you! That's one of my favorite things about the new BSG, how even if we like people they're not always good, and even if we hate people they're certainly not always evil. That kind of multifaceted writing is really hard to find in television, I think.

[rirenec.livejournal.com]

This is kind of disturbing but then he always is! He does the wrong thng, but when listening to his twisted logic, it seems to make sense; even here when he's kidnapping Kacey - his head is a strange thing to make convincing and this was a great fic.
I've been meaning to write a fic from Kasey's mother's POV, and this has given me a big more of a prompt to do so, so thank you for inspiration too :)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Hehehehe. Poor Leoben, yes, the wrong thing does almost always sound right in his head, it seems. I'm glad you liked my interpretation of how he thinks!

And hooray for fic about Kacey's mom!

[mserrada.livejournal.com]

First off, Welcome!

2nd, I can see just this scene explaining how Leoben came to have and use Kacey.

Your Leoben POV feels true to both the character and the New Caprica arc.

Looking forward to more of yours in the future :)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!