![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivendellroseHad an appointment with the OB today, and generally things are going well. I unfortunately do not have the okay to do any kind of exercise for exercise's sake (including walking), so that sucks, but generally she seems to think I'm on target apart from the bleed still being a thing. The one thing I'm not on target on... is gaining weight. I've only gained about 6 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, and the OB would prefer that I'd gained 9 or 10.
This is not a surprise. I've been watching the scale every time I go in, hoping it would creep up a little faster... but no luck.
We talked about a few simple things I can do to add some extra calories to my diet without feeling too full or eating junk food, things like nuts, avocados, replacing my current low-fat yogurt with full-fat, and adding in an Odwalla protein shake or other smoothie. That last one is especially helpful because even though I know they're full of calories (300-370 a bottle) they don't feel like I'm eating extra food, and they have basically no risk of making me feel full. And, as a bonus, they've actually got pretty good amounts of B vitamins and iron and stuff (the iron being particularly of concern since there's some risk of my becoming anemic since I've been bleeding semi-continually since December). So that's good.
I had not been intentionally not gaining weight - as I said, I'd been aware that I wasn't gaining as much as was recommended. But in thinking about it this afternoon, I think I definitely had some cognitive dissonance going on, eating basically like I normally would while knowing intellectually that I was supposed to be getting 300 extra calories a day and that probably, if I thought about it, an extra banana or some celery sticks and sliced red pepper when I felt hungry between meals wasn't reeeeally going to accomplish that. And that made me think about the fact that as much as I'd been aware I needed to gain more, and joked about probably freaking out when I pass a certain weight (which just happens to be .4 pounds from where I'm stuck right now), I probably wasn't really accepting how much I have issues with gaining weight.
All my life, people have said things like "you're so tiny!" or "you're so petite!" Not even just family - acquaintances and even strangers will remark on this. And they mean it as a good thing, and I take it as such. I normally weigh about 113 pounds. I've occasionally gained or lost a pound or two, but I've been very steady at that weight since I was about 16. Lifestyle is a big part of it - I used to walk a lot, before I got put on restricted activity for the pregnancy, and between that and generally eating pretty healthy, I told myself I never really had to think too much about keeping weight off. But I did think about it, in terms of managing my diet on a regular basis and making sure I kept up that active lifestyle, and I also thought about it in terms of worrying about no longer being like that. I'm genuinely afraid of not being thin anymore, not because I think there's anything so terrible about not being thin for other people, but because I think there is for me. Thanks to family and acquaintances and all that, a lot of my identity is wrapped up around being slender, and even more around being active and walking as much as I (used to) do.
So really there's two things going on here - the first being that I'm a little nervous about gaining weight even though I know I need to (and that supposedly breastfeeding will help it to come off after), but the second and probably bigger issue being that I'm afraid of losing my lifestyle. Even when I do walk now I have to be so careful to walk more slowly so I don't jostle and jar things more than I have to or be too active, I'm not even walking like myself. And that scares me immensely more than the thought of gaining ten pounds. More than anything I'm afraid of losing the way I've always walked miles without thinking about it, walking to the local parks and all that. I keep saying that I'll get back to it as soon as I can after the baby's born, and then back to the gym once I'm back to my usual self outside, but I'm genuinely nervous about not being able to recover as quickly as I hope.
And until then, there isn't a damned thing I can do except the exact opposite - sit here quietly, try not to get much activity at all, and eat an extra little bowl of cottage cheese so that hopefully I'll have gained some more weight at my next appointment.
This is not a surprise. I've been watching the scale every time I go in, hoping it would creep up a little faster... but no luck.
We talked about a few simple things I can do to add some extra calories to my diet without feeling too full or eating junk food, things like nuts, avocados, replacing my current low-fat yogurt with full-fat, and adding in an Odwalla protein shake or other smoothie. That last one is especially helpful because even though I know they're full of calories (300-370 a bottle) they don't feel like I'm eating extra food, and they have basically no risk of making me feel full. And, as a bonus, they've actually got pretty good amounts of B vitamins and iron and stuff (the iron being particularly of concern since there's some risk of my becoming anemic since I've been bleeding semi-continually since December). So that's good.
I had not been intentionally not gaining weight - as I said, I'd been aware that I wasn't gaining as much as was recommended. But in thinking about it this afternoon, I think I definitely had some cognitive dissonance going on, eating basically like I normally would while knowing intellectually that I was supposed to be getting 300 extra calories a day and that probably, if I thought about it, an extra banana or some celery sticks and sliced red pepper when I felt hungry between meals wasn't reeeeally going to accomplish that. And that made me think about the fact that as much as I'd been aware I needed to gain more, and joked about probably freaking out when I pass a certain weight (which just happens to be .4 pounds from where I'm stuck right now), I probably wasn't really accepting how much I have issues with gaining weight.
All my life, people have said things like "you're so tiny!" or "you're so petite!" Not even just family - acquaintances and even strangers will remark on this. And they mean it as a good thing, and I take it as such. I normally weigh about 113 pounds. I've occasionally gained or lost a pound or two, but I've been very steady at that weight since I was about 16. Lifestyle is a big part of it - I used to walk a lot, before I got put on restricted activity for the pregnancy, and between that and generally eating pretty healthy, I told myself I never really had to think too much about keeping weight off. But I did think about it, in terms of managing my diet on a regular basis and making sure I kept up that active lifestyle, and I also thought about it in terms of worrying about no longer being like that. I'm genuinely afraid of not being thin anymore, not because I think there's anything so terrible about not being thin for other people, but because I think there is for me. Thanks to family and acquaintances and all that, a lot of my identity is wrapped up around being slender, and even more around being active and walking as much as I (used to) do.
So really there's two things going on here - the first being that I'm a little nervous about gaining weight even though I know I need to (and that supposedly breastfeeding will help it to come off after), but the second and probably bigger issue being that I'm afraid of losing my lifestyle. Even when I do walk now I have to be so careful to walk more slowly so I don't jostle and jar things more than I have to or be too active, I'm not even walking like myself. And that scares me immensely more than the thought of gaining ten pounds. More than anything I'm afraid of losing the way I've always walked miles without thinking about it, walking to the local parks and all that. I keep saying that I'll get back to it as soon as I can after the baby's born, and then back to the gym once I'm back to my usual self outside, but I'm genuinely nervous about not being able to recover as quickly as I hope.
And until then, there isn't a damned thing I can do except the exact opposite - sit here quietly, try not to get much activity at all, and eat an extra little bowl of cottage cheese so that hopefully I'll have gained some more weight at my next appointment.
