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rivendellroseFuck it all.
I have no idea what I'm doing next year, or the year after. Let me just say this, loud and clear for all to hear - I have no fucking clue.
I want to keep going. I'm not so much tired of school as I am just sick of trying to make things work. I'm tired of hearing that the school is over-populated, and then looking around at all the idiots and jocks who come to CLUE sessions and scrape through by the skin of their teeth and all sorts of hand-holding when people like me are stuck trying to figure out how to get the university to keep them for another year so they don't have to apply to have their financial aid held for a year before grad school. I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing for the rest of my life, and feeling like nothing that I've prepared for is quite right, but also that I should just fuck it all and continue doing what I've been doing - I hate being torn between the easy road that makes sense, and the hard roads that attract me. I'm tired of people saying "oh, no, the English department here really isn't good for people who want to study mythology; in fact, the UW isn't good for that in general." No shit, you think I hadn't noticed that? And then the realization that studying mythology like I want to does me absolutely no good for anything, but I like it, damn it. I'm tired of looking at the Anthro courses and seeing that "no, apparently anthropology only applies to certain cultures. Thank you." I'm tired of walking past arts career fairs and thinking "damn, I'd love to be involved in theater again, even backstage in desgin or something," and worrying that as soon as it's no longer an option I'm going to get really depressed about not having followed it. Hell, I already sort of am. I'm tired of thinking that I should get involved, and then realizing that I just don't have the competitive edge and drive to put myself through all that shit again, and then thinking maybe I would if I'd just kick myself in the ass and DO IT. But no, I'm lazy.
Mostly I'm just tired. And I want to go home. But no, two more hours of work before I can do that. And I still have to file my FAFSA. *Growls*
Maybe I should have just set things up to graduate this spring. It would have been a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways.
I'm going to go close classrooms, now.
I have no idea what I'm doing next year, or the year after. Let me just say this, loud and clear for all to hear - I have no fucking clue.
I want to keep going. I'm not so much tired of school as I am just sick of trying to make things work. I'm tired of hearing that the school is over-populated, and then looking around at all the idiots and jocks who come to CLUE sessions and scrape through by the skin of their teeth and all sorts of hand-holding when people like me are stuck trying to figure out how to get the university to keep them for another year so they don't have to apply to have their financial aid held for a year before grad school. I'm tired of feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing for the rest of my life, and feeling like nothing that I've prepared for is quite right, but also that I should just fuck it all and continue doing what I've been doing - I hate being torn between the easy road that makes sense, and the hard roads that attract me. I'm tired of people saying "oh, no, the English department here really isn't good for people who want to study mythology; in fact, the UW isn't good for that in general." No shit, you think I hadn't noticed that? And then the realization that studying mythology like I want to does me absolutely no good for anything, but I like it, damn it. I'm tired of looking at the Anthro courses and seeing that "no, apparently anthropology only applies to certain cultures. Thank you." I'm tired of walking past arts career fairs and thinking "damn, I'd love to be involved in theater again, even backstage in desgin or something," and worrying that as soon as it's no longer an option I'm going to get really depressed about not having followed it. Hell, I already sort of am. I'm tired of thinking that I should get involved, and then realizing that I just don't have the competitive edge and drive to put myself through all that shit again, and then thinking maybe I would if I'd just kick myself in the ass and DO IT. But no, I'm lazy.
Mostly I'm just tired. And I want to go home. But no, two more hours of work before I can do that. And I still have to file my FAFSA. *Growls*
Maybe I should have just set things up to graduate this spring. It would have been a hell of a lot easier in a lot of ways.
I'm going to go close classrooms, now.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 04:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:09 am (UTC)There will be tea and a sympathetic ear waiting for when you get home.
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-16 05:23 am (UTC)There's also left over cake and some ice cream.
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:29 am (UTC)Oh - the project night for the SCA tomorrow is a cooking class with one of the really good cooks in the barony. Are you interested in going?
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:31 am (UTC)Oooooo!
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:41 am (UTC)I don't know what they're making - there'd been some talk of making some kind of soup with mustard, but I doubt that's all that they're doing. And Countess Elizabeth is a fabulous cook, so it might very well be worth it.
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Date: 2005-02-16 05:47 am (UTC)Yeah, I'd be up for that. You know how much I love to cook.
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Date: 2005-02-16 06:15 am (UTC)Okay, cool. Hopefully you'll feel up to going tomorrow night, then!
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Date: 2005-02-16 06:20 am (UTC)I should. I'm feeling better now, just sore.