cue all sorts of panic

[rivendellrose]

I know this sounds crazy, but I'm sooo freaked out about going to work tomorrow. I have to a) find out what happened with the whole scary cancellation fiasco on Friday (NW Airlines hadn't gotten back to me when I left), and b) tell my boss about what happened and whatever aftermath I discover.

I hope I still have a job (and my sanity) by the end of the day. I so much hate confrontation, especially when it is definitely more or less my fault for not noticing that the flights weren't refundable. Predecessor-lady is very blase about the whole thing, but predecessor lady has been with the company for something like four years. Besides, it's not her job. And it wouldn't matter if it were, since she's leaving in a few weeks to go to grad school anyway. Which, it should be noted, leaves me entirely without the handy safety net of having somebody who actually knows what the fuck is going on to ask about things.

I wish I'd gotten a simpler job as my first Real Job. Hell, I pretty much just plain wish I was going to grad school this fall like she is. Turns out, I kinda hate the real world. It's stressful in a way that doesn't just mean me beating my head over a bunch of essays. I can handle that kind of stress. I'm pretty good at it, in fact. Making (and breaking travel arrangements for a bunch of execs? Arranging every damned thing in an office? Not something I'm good at. I've arrived at 'why the fuck did you guys hire me, anyway?' and 'holy crap, I kind of wish you hadn't hired me.' Because maybe whatever job I would've found next would've been less stress-inducing.

Also, my heart has decided that the fact that I have a month before my new insurance kicks in means this is a great time to start fluttering occasionally. Fabulous for my stress levels, I assure you. Although, now that I think about it, given how it only really happens when I'm alone, things are quiet, and it's evening (AKA stress time), it probably is caused by my stress levels. Regardless, I think I'll be skipping the caffeine tomorrow, just in case.

Long story short, good energy would be much appreciated at this time. *Hugs to all* The fireworks have stopped, now, so I'm going to bed.

Comments

[mugglegirl0908.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain! I've just started my first real job, too, and I'm freaking out! I mean, people actually count on me to do stuff and not mess up? WTF? I've had jobs before, but there was always a sense of "Well, it's not like I'll be here very long, so it's not such a big deal if I'm not great at it."

Not so anymore.

Plus, like you, I REALLY wish I was going to grad school. I just didn't want to deal with the GRE and crap. I think I may go back for my MBA, but I'll have to work full-time while doing it and probably do an on-line and/or weekend classes thing. *sigh*

I want to be back in college. Sleeping til noon. Skipping class if I felt like it. Wearing jeans, t-shirts, and flip-flops every day with little or no make-up... *sigh* Oh, the halcyon days of college! *commiserates with you and sheds nostalgic tear*

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I mean, people actually count on me to do stuff and not mess up? WTF?

Yeeeeah, that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? I mean, I practically ran the whole office and the lock system for the whole building and all that at my old job, but... it wasn't like it was stuff that really seemed to matter, you know? Aside from the locks, which were mostly really easy. I couldn't have lost the university money if I tried, probably, and even if I did, it wasn't like it was going to bankrupt us - we had state funding, for crying out loud, and my department was the tiniest piece of the whole pie. The worst I could do was forget how to set something up and mess up a professor's lecture if they were too dependent on tech to make their show go. And even that freaked me out sometimes. :P

I'm pretty sure I'm going back in the next few years. I'm going to give it a little time, figure out for sure what the next step is, where I want to go, what I want to study, all that... Save money, all that good stuff. And then apply, apply for financial aid... and hopefully I'll be able to work it out so that I can just work part-time someplace, like I did in undergrad. I know I can live like that. It's not always pretty, but it's do-able.

[shoeless-girl.livejournal.com]

Much love and good energy is being sent your way!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *Bounces some back your way, too*

[sparklinblossom.livejournal.com]

*hugs you*

Stress is never fun.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Nope, but it happens. Hopefully I can get a little bit better at dealing with it.... XD

[stormkpr.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Hang in there, hon. I know these seem like big deals now, but very soon these situations will be easy to handle and will feel like nothing. It's just a matter of time and of getting used to it. Please post again at the end of Wednesday -- I am willing to bet that you'll say that all turned out well and the problems weren't too horrible.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thanks. I will definitely post again when the day's over - I'm not sure how much of this will actually be resolved, since it seems like people are a bit AWOL because of the long weekend, but things are already looking... a lot more handle-able than I'd psyched myself into thinking they were. That's the problem with long weekends - a lot of time to anticipate all the bad things about going back to work, and build them up to astronomical size.

[hoperomantic.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that you're having so much pressure and stress at your job.

If it helps any, just remember that we all go through it. The adjustment is almost always a little hard and bumpy. And everyone goes through it at their own time and pace. We all stumble a little. The thing is to remember to just keep trying to walk. I know that that is easier said than done, of course, but it does get a little bit easier as you go.

As for the whole stress thing: remember, you had to learn how to handle and learn from the academic stress, and you did. You have to just learn how to handle this new type of stress now. Remember that you've done it before, so you can do it again.

And you were hired because they believe in you. They know that you can do this job; trust that, and trust yourself to be able to do this job. Give yourself a chance.

Don't let the stress eat you alive. Focus on the things about the job that you like. Look for the rewards that make you appreciate the position, whatever they are. If you try to focus on those things, all the other stuff should start to fall into place.

*huggles* Nothing but good thoughts for you and sincere sympathy. I hope that everything all works out for the best.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Huggles* Thanks. I think it'll be okay - at least things seem to be going well so far today! Of course, the big boss isn't in yet, and the stupid airline hasn't gotten back to me. :P But still.

It does help to know that this is just a normal thing - sometimes it's so damned easy to feel like this is something new and unusual that no one else has to deal with, which is just plain silly. It's just funny, you know - you spend something like seventeen years in the school system, getting used to that whole deal, and then bam, out you go into the business world, and it's a whole different deal. And that's even though I've worked steadily for one job or another for the last five years!

There really are some great things about this job, I just need to buckle down and get used to the rest. Thanks for the confidence and good thoughts.

[ellid.livejournal.com]

Can you still apply to grad school to enter in September, or would you have to wait for January? Because this sounds like an ultra-stressful situation that is doing you no good....

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

No, applications are usually due in November for fall of the next year, at least for the UW. I think other schools have later application dates, but it's still for the following year - acceptances for this fall have already gone out. I do plan on working on getting my letters of recommendation and stuff lined up, studying for the GRE's... generally get things moving, so that I'll be ready when I decide to apply. My closest mentor hasn't returned any of my emails recently, and that's been a little... disturbing. I'll have to see if I can find her. o_O

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Everyone goofs up sometimes. If they can't accept that, they're not a good place to work anyway. At worst, they might give you a stern look, but I doubt they would fire you over something so little when you are brand new.

Keep your head up. You're just getting adjusted to a new lifestyle. It may not be a job you stay at for years and years, but it's your jumping off point. It's going to have stress and struggles, and it's definitely not like the stress and struggles of college.

If the heart thing isn't all stress, the stress definitely isn't helping. Take some deep breaths, and let things fall as they may. You're imagining something that hasn't even happened yet and probably won't.

It'll all work out. We believe it you :)

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I know. I keep reminding myself of that, this just feels like such a big goof-up. But yeah... it should be okay, once I get past the stern lecture part. *Crosses fingers*

As for the heart thing, I can't believe it took me as long as it did to realize that it was probably stress. Duh. I've lowered my caffeine intake and I'll have some powerade to try to help out with it, but I'm betting all it really needs is some calming.

Thanks. That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Also: Math

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

I did some number crunching in my head about the cost of hiring/training a new employee, and thus having to get a new employee to hire/train.

In my industy (tech support, for those listening in the audience), they expect it takes about 6 months of on the phone experience before I started to carry my weight and become a useful member of society.

So, factor in my wages for 6 months, plus the classroom training for 2 months, plus the trainer and mentor salaries (as a percentage, since I'm not their only responsibility), advertising for new employees, interviewing, etc., etc..

I'm going to ballpark that about $20,000 to get me working as a competent employee. So, if I were to be let go, you would need to double that, plus take into account the burden of extra workload on others during those 8 months while they get my replacement going...

So, if they let go of me, the net cost of replacing me (including the fact that they trained me) is about $40k. Generally speaking, that means I would need to make a 40k mistake before it's even feasible to take the hit on me.

It's actually pretty expensive to hire and fire people, which is why high-turnover is not very desireable with successful companies, and why, for smart employers, treating your employees well is important.

So, chances are? One place ticket? Not worth their time to do much about other than say, "Hey, could you not do that again?" :)

Also, this is to reassure you, not freak you out :P

[narsilion.livejournal.com]

It'll be ok, You've only been there less than a month, and I'm sure that everyone else there makes mistakes too (even predesessor lady).
Big boss may get a little cranky, but I think M would have told you if your job was in danger from the mistake. It just takes a while to get used to all the variables of a new job.
My cell phone will be on if you want to talk, same old number, but I really think it's going to be fine.
The heart thing is probably stress, but being low on electrolytes can also cause that, and with the hot temperatures lately, we all sweat a little more than usual, so drink at least one Gatorade or Powerade
a day for the next week or more and see if that helps. (I know, they taste awful, but if you're low on the electolytes, you need it, and it certainly won't hurt you if it's stress).
I'll be thinking of you today, and sending positive thoughts your way. Let us know how it goes, ok?

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. It's just that old panic, you know. I'm always afraid people are going to get mad at me... and there's a lot more variables here than I've had at any other job.

When I go out on my lunch break (yay, it's actually cool enough today for me to go outside for it!) I'll pick up a Powerade or something from the Bartells or the QFC, and then tonight I'll stop by someplace on the Ave and pick up some extras to keep on hand. Jessie told me they're really cheap at one of the stores on campus. And Trader Joe's has a new "Traderade" thing, too - it doesn't taste bad at all, but I'm not sure how much it's got in the way of electrolytes and all that.

Thanks, and I will.

[narsilion.livejournal.com]

It's probably got the same as the other "ades" if you check the back.

[cassildra.livejournal.com]

I agree with narsilion; drink an icky-tasting sports drink once a day for a while to get your electrolytes up.

And you'll be fine. I understand the stress, though. I'll be around tonight if you want or need to talk, 'kay?

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Maybe that is what did it - I didn't think it'd be a problem, since our house is pretty cool, but now that I think about it, I did a lot of walking and got pretty overheated on Saturday. Argh. Yeah, sports drinks are probably a good answer, along with cutting back on caffeine.

Thanks, hun. *Hugs* I'm feeling a lot better now that I've sort of 'taken the plunge' and am back at work, so hopefully the rest of the day will continue well.

[cassildra.livejournal.com]

^_^ I hope so. But like I said, I'm around. And even if I'm not on AIM proper, I'm on AIM Mobile if you need me! :D ♥

[reve-lucide.livejournal.com]

At the risk of repeating what everyone else has already said, you are completely intelligent and competent enough to do your job. You're new, you'll make mistakes, and unless your boss is uber-anal or something, they'll expect you to make mistakes. I suspect that some, if not most, of your stress has to do with the major life changes you're making right now, and your uncertainty about the future -- particularly because you mention wanting to go back to school, something you're confident you could handle. You should take some time and think about how much you're worried about the job vs. how much you're worried about your new situation in life.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I know... It's one of those intellectual vs. emotional knowledge things. In my brain, I know that they've got to be expecting me to muck things up a few times. But as far as my emotions go, I'm always terrified for the first few months of a job. I was this way with my old job, too, when I first started... it took me about a year before I wasn't constantly worried they were going to fire me. And that was just a student job. *Laughs*

And oh yeah... the life uncertainty is a huge issue right now. Even at my grad ceremony I was starting to think about how much I'll miss the whole academia thing. On the one hand, it's easy for me... but on the other hand, I genuinely love it. At least this way I'll be excited about what I go into, by the time I go back!

[windrose.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

The heart-flutter thing sounds like classic stress-induced tachycardia. As someone who has suffered from anxiety attacks pretty much her whole adult life, I feel for you. Less caffeine will help (I quit drinking caffeiene almost twenty years ago now) as will deep breathing exercises and meditation.

My personal favorite technique for slowing my heart rate down is what I call "square breathing." It's very simple. Breathe in deeply for 5 seconds. Hold for 5 seconds. Breathe out slowly for 5 seconds. Hold for 5 seconds. Repeat as needed. It also helps if you visualize each breath as the side of a square.

*more hugs*

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I feel kind of stupid looking back at last night, now; I've been dealing with a different kind of anxiety attacks (dizzy/near-fainting spells related to a sort of injury phobia) for something like ten years now. It just didn't occur to me to try the same techniques for something that seemed, until I thought about it, to come on completely at random.

And I'm glad you mentioned square breathing! We learned it back in my highschool theater classes, and I did a bit (kind of disorganized, as I couldn't remember how many counts I was supposed to do) last night just before bed, and it really did seem to help. I'll keep working with it. ;)

[wanderingbeyond.livejournal.com]

Jen, you post too much; it's so hard to keep up! ;)

Hey, don't worry, everything will work out. I think I'm going to get fired too; except I probably WILL get fired, because my boss is a ... fei fei de pi yan. yeah. anyway. Hey, also, has Kendra moved in yet? Is she enjoying the place? What's new? And, do you think you could get her to send me that last-month's rent check? I'm going to be a bit desparate soon, I think..

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I know, I know - posting is my stress relief. ;)

You're probably right. Hell, I thought CSS was going to fire me, the first year I worked there, and... well, we all know how likely that would've been, don't we? I love that whatever that is is close enough to my craptastic vocabulary in Mandarin that I can actually tell (admittedly, with a bit of guessing) what you're saying. Anyhow, at least if you're fired you won't have to deal with him anymore, if he's that bad.

Kendra's in, everything's settling down (with a few hiccups), and I'll see about getting that check off to you ASAP. Terra's got the last bit of utilities that hadn't been counted into the check that you gave her before you left, so maybe to keep things simple we can just subtract the extra (something like $30) out of what we send you.

And you won't be desperate. Just think how fast you got that first job. Even if you have to find another one, I think you'll be just fine. *Hugs*

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
You're probably already at work so I hope it went well.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Thanks. I'm at work, but the big boss isn't in yet, and I haven't heard back from the airline yet, anyway. I'll have to call (again, last time I was on hold so long that I decided to take my chances with their email system...) them if they don't email back in the next hour or so. Lazy bums. :P

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

Well, that and it's one of the busiest times of the year for airlines (I can vouch for this, having been at work this week) and so likely their operators are a little busy. (: Fingers still crossy.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

True, true. And the holiday weekend is probably playing havoc with their system, too. *Grumbles* I'm usually much better at being understanding with customer service folks, but this whole thing is just a bundle of stress for me. :P

[coralia13.livejournal.com]

Ack, I hope today goes okay! I'm sure it will - if they expect perfection from you after - what has it been; two, three weeks? - they're unreasonable. They know you've just graduated, that this is your first real job, and that it takes some time to adjust to the real world/real job scene. They wouldn't have hired you if that was something they were unwilling to deal with. I would take predecessor lady's chill attitude as a good thing. Chances are, she made mistakes when she started out, too, and she knows now that they're no big deal. If after four years of doing your job, the trouble you're facing now doesn't make her go "OMG FUCK!", chances are she knows it's not that big a trouble.
I suppose all this positivity is coming a bit too late as you are even now in the den of the beast, but my thoughts are with you anyway! Let us know how it goes!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Not too late at all - I'm in the den, but the beast still seems to be running on holiday-weekend time. ;) My boss isn't in yet, and the airline hasn't gotten back to me yet, anyway, so I'm still very much in limbo.

Anyway, I think you're probably right - since the girl who had the position before doesn't seem too upset, I'm probably fine. I'll get scolded and lectured, I'm sure, but it shouldn't be worse than that. And if it is... meh. (See me trying to change my attitude? It's kind of even working!)

*Hugs* Thanks much, hun.

[meevish.livejournal.com]

Just stare into the eyes of these kittens and your stress will recede like an ocean.