writing, life

[rivendellrose]

Fic/writing rant below. Argh.


I've been going nuts lately over my writing. At first, I thought I was having trouble because of my schedule - that I was just too tired on getting home from the office to actually write anything. Then I thought maybe I was running low on steam for Firefly - I chalked it up to burn-out, to not having seen the show in too long, to just having a few too many projects in one world running at the same time. So I started trying to focus my attention on other projects. And that worked for a little while, but not very well. Then, to my joy, I really started feeling B5. Ah, I figured - I needed something new to get me going! I needed something that I could explore for the first time, something that would wake me back up out of the familiar patterns and practices. Something that I'd never done before.

But you know what? I've managed about a fic and a half for B5, grand total. I love the show, but I can't seem to write for it. It's not for lack of love for the characters, it's not for lack of interest in the issues being dealt with, so I have to ask... why can't I get my head into this series? What's the difference?

I've come up with a couple of possible reasons. First is that since I haven't seen the whole series, I'm hesitant to write anything that might be immediately contradicted. I have a fair notion of where things are headed, yes, and I know a few major spoilers that will affect things later, but... on the whole, things move too damned fast in this series. Things are always changing, and without knowing where they'll end up, I don't want to be stuck writing fic that is totally 'wrong' by everything else that happens. That's the problem with entering a fandom where everyone else knows about half again as much as you do - it's nearly impossible to breathe freely until you're caught up.

Another thing is that I'm just not used to dealing with military characters. I've watched them, read them... but I've never written them. I know it doesn't make a hell of a lot of difference, but I wonder if that isn't part of why I've hesitated, and why what I have written has focused heavily on the Minbari. I understand them. I feel like I get them intuitively, and I like them. They're odd, and I don't agree with a lot of what they say, but I can get in their heads, figure out the way they think. Whereas... I don't think I could do that with Sheridan. I know I couldn't with Sinclair. Garibaldi... I have a feeling I'd end up unintentionally writing Vimes (although I wonder if anybody would notice the difference? I'm not actually sure that there is one, in terms of basic personality...). Marcus and Ivanova are near the top of my list of characters, but their ways of speaking and thinking are so peculiar sometimes, I don't know if I could pull them off. And G'Kar and Londo... much as I love them, I don't feel like I have anything to say about them. Maybe that's the problem with the whole thing. I really don't feel like I have much of anything to say, actually, with this series.

Did I have things to say with Firefly? I felt like I did... and I did with Highlander, too. And with DS9, although admittedly I'm more trying to find the One Perfect Way of telling one story, there. I guess I just... haven't found my story, yet, with B5. I have a notion I know what it is, but I haven't gotten to it yet. Should be interesting, when I get there, to see whether I'm right, whether that's really the story I want to be telling.

It doesn't help that I keep feeling as though I ought to be working on original fiction, while having not a clue in the world what original fiction. Nothing comes out right. I work for a while on one thing, get stuck or frustrated that it doesn't sound right or the plot is failing me, and quit. I know it takes work to get better, but I feel like I'm beating my head on a glass wall, like nothing I write comes out exactly as it should, or like I'm just puttering around with idiotic stories that always fall short of actually being anything. They're always lacking, always feel half-done and sophomoric, and I'm always at a loss as to how to fix them.

In other news, the guy who plays Dr Kelso on Scrubs was on one of the B5 eps I watched tonight. And earlier today we went out to Ballard to see PotC2 again, and wander their Sunday market. Very fun stuff. Also ogled much fabric. Am thinking of commissioning maymargaret to make me a brocade dressing gown. I've always kind of wanted one, as silly as that sounds. They're just so classy and pretty, and brocade is on sale at the Ballard JoAnne's right now.

Update: I'm just going to try to remember these words: If you want to write something, just write it - it clearly wants to come out. And if you're going to suck at something, do it boldly.

Also, I kind of want to cut my hair. Like... chin-length. I must be insane, after all the work it took me to grow it out. But I'm feeling kind of "blah" about it, lately, and my facial shape works really well with a shorter cut... Meep?

Comments

[maho-kiwi.livejournal.com]

"if you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly"
is totally my personal motto >->
I'm never sure if I'm joking or not ^^;;

And omg, the dress sounds ike it'd be FAB

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm hoping for that one, too. I've always had a knack for giving up at things I wasn't immediately good at, though. Damned perfectionist streak. :P

I think it'd be awesome! It'd just be for house use, of course, which makes me feel really silly and indulgent just for thinking about it... what am I going to do, look posh here in my messy basement with my cat's box and all my random junk? But... posh dressing gown! And they've got the absolute prettiest powder-blue brocade with dark blue and white flowers!

[reve-lucide.livejournal.com]

Another thing is that I'm just not used to dealing with military characters.

One of the reasons I haven't even thought about writing a BSG fic.

Oh, and attempting original fic is what made me stop writing altogether for a few years. *sigh* Thank god for Firefly -- brought it all back. :P

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

[A]ttempting original fic is what made me stop writing altogether for a few years. *sigh* Thank god for Firefly -- brought it all back. :P

Oh yeah, I feel you on that one. I was in a writer's group for the first few years of college, and it kept me working, although not necessarily working much. After that group died, I pretty much quit writing for a year or so... and then came back to it with fic. A little with HP, a little with Highlander, and then... Firefly. Where I finally started feeling like I'd found my voice. I'm just hoping I can keep it in other things, too, now.

[reve-lucide.livejournal.com]

*is jealous*

I still haven't found my voice, Firefly or otherwise. I used to write every day -- every single day -- so I don't consider writing two fics in, oh, seven years (I think?) to be a success. It's a good first step, though. I guess.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Psh. You write beautifully, you just don't seem to have a lot of confidence in your words. I suppose I should say that I... found voices I wanted to talk with, more than anything else. With Firefly, I found people whose voices I really wanted to carry in me, and I eventually got to a point where I felt like I was getting them out right.

I still try to write every day. It doesn't always go well, and sometimes it's only for a tiny while, but I'm still working on it. A lot of times I'm not a huge fan of what I write, though.

[reve-lucide.livejournal.com]

You're exactly right about that. I really have zero ability to be objective about my writing. I read it so many times while editing that I really do lose all sense of "good" or "bad". So then I just assume it's bad. :|

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I guess we're all like that. I know I get the same way about some of my writing all the time... the more I care about what I'm working on, the shittier I think it is. :P

And being as how I usually don't edit very much, your way is probably better. I really need to work more on editing.

[reve-lucide.livejournal.com]

Eh, I don't know. I over-edit. I don't know if that's better than under-editing or not, but it sure takes longer. :P

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

With the kind of screw-ups I post sometimes, trust me, it's better to over-edit. :P

[narsilion.livejournal.com]

A brocade dressing gown sounds beautiul. And sometimes you just have to indulge. Besides, it might inspire you in your writing, after a grueling day at the office to slip into it. Is she going to make you a coat like hers too?
As far as your writing goes, I think your still getting into a routine and things will pick up. This summer is a time of lots of changes in your life, it may take more than a month and a half to adjust fully.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I know, I know - that's kind of what I figure, too.

I have to find wool for the coat, first. Nothing around here seems to sell it, yet. I'm hoping it won't take too long for them to put it out - I need time so it has a chance of being finished before fall comes 'round!

Two months, but yeah, I know. It has been a lot of changes. I think it's partially just a mental slip, though - I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm writing, what I want to write anymore.

[razycrandomgirl.livejournal.com]

I feel ya on the hair cutting thing. I have to keep mine braided up all the time just to myself from taking sheers to them!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I keep mine in a ponytail most of the time. But I remember when I had shoulder-length hair, and I thought it looked really good on me... I don't know. There's something to be said for long hair, and I hate how shorter cuts are always in my face, and they require more maintenance to get a good look. But they're so cute if they're done right!

[razycrandomgirl.livejournal.com]

yes! My ponytails are the only thing keeping me going! I want to cut it really short (like off my neck). But then I wouldn't be able to put my puffs in anymore. I'd miss them. :( It'd be a whole big mess!



:/ okay. -runs off-

[hoperomantic.livejournal.com]

Can I offer you a little advice?

It sounds like you seem to be getting a little stuck on a few things and letting those become the whole picture. It sounds like you're kind of focusing on what you feel like you can't do, instead of seeing possibilities and seeing what you could do. And you seem to be thinking that there are some things that you should or should not do.

What may help, at least it does sometimes for me when I get like that, is remind myself, that in the end, you're writing for yourself. You're writing because you like it and you want to say something. It's always nice to have your writing "work" and be appreciated, but don't worry about it. If you do your best, there is always going to be something there that "works" and that can be appreciated.

Don't worry so much about the end of the journey, try and focus on the process. Try to think about what you're doing right here and now, and not necessarily where you are going. I don't mean don't have a goal or purpose or anything, just don't let that get in the way of where you are with things.

As for practical advice: have you tried just writing stream of consciousness? Don't worry about it being a story, and you can always use it for notes later on... but just sit down and try to write as "Sheridan" for example. Just have a moment and pick a time from the show. Write down may have been his thoughts at the time. Just write anything to get you going. And it's a good way to just focus on the writing without having to worry about meeting a specific goal or anything. If it works, cool, if not, well, it's not such a big deal. I find that it can sometimes help with being frustrated... etc...

And remember, art is something that is never finished, merely abandoned. Even the best writers and artists can look at their work and go.. dang I should have done that.. etc.. Just remind yourself that each thing is something new learned. For example, you get improvement in writing dialog in one story, even if nothing else "worked." In another story, the descriptions were something you really liked and improved... etc... We never stop learning and improving. Nothing is perfect, and sometimes, like the windows of the old cathedrals, it's the imperfections that make the glass more beautiful.

PS. If this is way too long winded... slap me with a trout and tell me to stop blabbing so much *grin* Hope it all works out!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

If all your advice is this good, I wish I could hire you on as a permanent life consultant. ;)

What you said about stream-of-consciousness writing ended up being exactly what I did last night. I guess sometimes all I need to do is vent all my frustrations, then close Mozilla and get back to it. I got so caught up in what I was writing last night that I didn't get to bed til midnight. Whether much will come of it in the light of day.... that's another story. Who knows.

And you're exactly right about writing for myself - that's one thing, thankfully, that I don't seem to have a problem with, most of the time.

Art is something that is never finished, merely abandoned. So very true, and something that it's so very easy to forget.

Thank you so much for all of that - it really made me feel a lot better to read what you wrote.

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

I'm just going to try to remember these words: If you want to write something, just write it - it clearly wants to come out. And if you're going to suck at something, do it boldly.

And you can fix it later. No, really.

I don't figure out what many of my novels are about until after I'm more than halfway into them. Sometimes not even until after I'm done with the first draft and it's been sitting for six months. When people say their first drafts will suck righteously, they are talking as much about the structure, characterization and voice as much as they are talking about the prose itself. And that hasn't changed from the first novel to the 10th. But it doesn't stop me, because I know I get SOMETHING important out of each story, even if story just gets trunked in the end.

Rarg. And there's more I want to say, but I need to shower now :D

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I kind of suck at editing my own stuff, but that's something I really need to work on. Need lots of work on that, especially on bigger stuff.

*Hugs* Showers are good. Thank you for what you've said!

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

I can liken novel-writing as something like building and redocorating a house.

Start with foundation and structure. I have an outline of what I expect in this story--the rooms, the ins and out. I had my sparks--the things that made me fall in love with it, like the large windows and the window seat and the arching ceiling.

Then I start building, and it's not turning out exactly like I expected, but the walls and doors have come up, and there's some windows. I look around, and I have a HOUSE, but I don't yet have a HOME. So I throw in some decorations. Maybe some of them I had dreamed up before, and maybe they do or don't end up the way I wanted. And then I think that second bedroom should be the office instead. I get everything inside and look around and think, Sure, this will do.

But about six months later, I come back and realize this is close to what I wanted--or maybe it's not close at all. The foundation ,the structure--sure. I still love that window seat. But the covering? And the paint? And what the hell was I think when I got that couch?

And maybe, if it's drastic (and often it is), I'm going to knock out some walls along the way. Build an extension. Decide that pastels don't suit me anymore, and the bottom floor should be done in primary colors.

Eventually, after some poking and prodding, I get it just the way I like it--or at least close enough that it's okay. Or, perhaps it doesn't look anything like I imagined at first, but I love the new appearance even more.

All of which is to say, that you gotta know the beginning, middle and end that gets the structure built. But not only is it okay, but it's EXPECTED among writers that eventually you're going to change the interior decorating. And maybe the beginning. And the middle. And the end.

Others are probably different, but my brain can't hold an entire novel, every complicated dip and turn and twist, or even the best way to ge it--all at the same time. I have my structure, and then I go exploring, and once I know my way around, I think of better ways to get there. And thus the rewriting begins.

If anyone can write a perfect novel first draft with all of the story and characters fully developed and don't have to tear out walls and rebuild at the end, I envy them. But I rather think they are mythical. The people I know who turn out the best first drafts tend to also have a complete, detailed (IE, 40 pages, etc) outlines of the story from beginning to end before they start the novel. And I think they go through the same house-building process--just on a smaller level. Within 40 pages instead of 400.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I like the house metaphor - that really does help to give a clear image of what a writer is trying to accomplish. I'll have to keep that in mind the next time I'm working on something.

I think I'm going to get back to work on Edward and see if I can't get a reasonable outline going. I've got the beginning and the end... it's the middle that's giving me trouble with that one. I should be able to figure something out, though, if I poke at him for long enough.

[shadawyn.livejournal.com]

Glad to help. I always wonder if anyone actually wants my advice. LoL

http://hollylisle.com/fm/ has many, many fabulous articles that I love and still refer to. Some of these (particularly the plotting ones) may give you some ideas on how to smack the middle out of Edward. :D

[coralia13.livejournal.com]

Wow - I am feeling so in the same place with the writing stuff! I've been getting so depressed because the Firefly fic I looked forward to as a reward to soul-crushing Oxford homework all day is no longer drawing me at all; I can't even seem to write it. So now I just work all day and stare blankly at the internet all night, hoping someone will update LJ so I will have had something fun to do all day. And now my mom has started in once more on her "you're giving up on your dreams by not spending all your free time writing original fiction" mantra, which makes me feel perpetually guilty... Ugh. So, to make a long story short, I empathize completely, good luck with it all, and thank you for your words of wisdom update - I'm going to try to remember that, too.

Hair cut sounds fun! I always like making a relatively risk free change like that.

And, ooooh - brocade dressing gown! That sounds GORGEOUS! If it happens, you'll have to post photos!

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Stress seems to do that. Well... that or make me want to do nothing but write fanfic - in college (ack, it's weird to say that in the past tense!) I always got my most pressing ideas right when I had No Time to write them. The mind is contrary that way - if you want to write, there will be nothing that feels urgent. If you totally don't have time, the bunnies will be a-biting.

Me too, although for me, I'm not convinced that it would be risk-free. I have no tolerance at all for high-maintenance hairstyles (I'm waaay too lazy - I don't even own a hairdryer or curling iron), and mid-length cuts can be so dependent on styling. Not to mention I just spent the last five years growing my hair out from an extremely short cut. *Headdesk*

Oh, don't worry - if I end up getting this made, there will be pictures. XD

[coralia13.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs. I am trying to beat it into my head that, contrary to my strong, subconscious beliefs, I have all the time in the world this summer to have fun, and so I SHOULD have fun (not as easy as it sounds when living in a town where I know no one other than my parents and their assorted adult friends, in the middle of the Idaho mountains. The landscape outside actually looks a lot like Whitefall.) The mind is a wonderful, dangerous thing, isn't it? How are you doing with the writing stress, though?

Wow, five years! It's a big choice, it's true. I am very low-maintenance with my own hair as well, which is part of why I really like to have haircuts that suit my face-shape, so I have to do the minimum amount of work to make it look good. Right now, my hair has gotten long enough that it really makes my face look too long (I have a very oval face) when I wear it down, so it's mostly back and braided.

I am fantasizing about how awesome a brocade dressing gown would be right now. I think if I ever had one, I would never get dressed on weekends.