rivendellrose | i feel like crap, but i'm surviving...

Sinuses still hate me, and now they're ganging up with my uterus to make my day totally miserable. Joy.

Many thanks to

miss_arel for linking me to this essay by Orson Scott Card, on the subject of Snape. Very interesting analysis, and I very much agree with him on most of what he says... although I'm intellectually vain enough to think that I've got a few theories that fit an eeeeeensy bit better, on a few details. Mostly, though, I think he's hit the nail on the head.

In the spirit of the day, I have two offerings. First, the Seven Signs of the Wankpocalypse, as compiled by

nekokoban and I based on recent events.

Three times seven days into the seventh month of the seventh year of the new millenium, they shall find that the internet which once sustained the people grows dark. Signs shall appear, yea, and they shall be unheeded by many, but those who are wise will look on, and know them, and they shall fear.

First shall come the sign of the Squid - a great beast of the deep, a kraken foul risen from the seas up onto the land, and it shall die there, and great shall be the wonder of scientists in the land of sunburn and jumping beasts. The oceans themselves shall roil in protest.

Then shall come a vision in the darkness, a tale of woe and some acting that is failed, and it shall hearken back to books that everyone has already read. And the people shall rejoice, for a time, for the beasts that were made to look foolish in prior incarnations shall be redeemed, but from this shall also come much wank and much stupid bitching.

Thirdly shall come an invasion from the depths of night, and none shall know them but few who are acquainted with the mythologies of a land far across the sea. Small at first they shall seem, and full of useful spices, but those who recognize them shall know their evil and run in fear of extermination.

Fourth of the signs will be a great announcement from the ether, and many of the citizens of the internet shall quake at the thought that no more underage porn may be written. But others shall point out that the wording is unclear, and still others shall sit back with their popcorn and say unto each other that this is all good amusement, for they did not partake of the writings of underage goings-on to begin with, and they will laugh at their brethren.

Fifth among these signs shall be a series of decrees, set upon the doors of the internet from every side, and it shall seem that no one in the world has anything better to talk about than a book that most of them have not read, and those who have read dare not speak on the subject, lest they be sued. Copes shall appear among the people, but none will know which is the true word as it was writ, and many shall be the complaints of Scholastic.

After this shall Fandom-Wank, the bulwark of all mockery, say unto its people that no more can be said on this subject, out of fear that they might overload their servers prematurely. And this shall come to be known in time as a joke, but will cause much upset for a short while.

Last, when all these signs have appeared, shall come a writer of the brave press, who shall post spoilers with impunity, and be scolded by the voice of Rowling, who undoubtedly has no idea what a book review is meant to do. On this day shall you know that the end is truly nigh.

Yes, I know, we're crazy. I fully blame my stupid sinuses, which have left me with the mental capacity of your average turnip. As for the pepper-pot thing? Seriously happened, I swear to god. I walked into the break room yesterday and... there it was. All alone. Sitting right by the window, and lo, but I did know that it was staring at me. Evil little thing. *Shivers* ;)

Just think. I haven't even taken Sudafed yet! XD

Anywho, on an ever-so-slightly more serious note, here's my quick list of Things I Think Will Happen in book 7, so that if any of them happen I can gloat. And so that if any of them don't, I can copy this post and fill in whining. ;)

1. Harry will live. He's the hero. He dies late in middle age of something rather silly and pointless.

2. Snape will not. He will sacrifice himself for Harry or one of the other kids, and Harry will be Shocked And Appalled when he suddenly realizes that, wait, maybe Snape's not actually all that evil after all and maybe Dumbledore was right to trust him.

Corollary to 2: It will turn out that Dumbledore's begging was actually him demanding that Snape kill him to spare Draco.

3. Narcissa will turn on Voldemort and sacrifice herself to save Draco.

Corollary to 3: Lucius will continue to be completely fecking useless, and probably spend the whole book in jail. The whole family will escape any repercussions in the end, because they're like cockroaches that way, gods bless 'em. ♥

4. Neville will go head-to-head with Bellatrix, and he will win. Bella will die. Alas, she will probably not get the totally awesome death scene that I want her to have, nor will Narcissa be anywhere nearby. Woe.

5. Regulus is not really dead. He's been hiding in Muggle London all these years and no I'm not just saying that because of IB. :P It's the only logical place for a supposedly-dead wizard to hide from his whole family and everybody who ever knew him! All the little foreshadows that point to contact with Sirius are actually pointing to him, I suspect.

6. Dumbledore is dead, sure, but he will be back in one form or another... actually, I'm betting it'll be through the Chocolate Frog cards. Yeah, that's my bet. He loved being on those cards.

7. At least one Weasley will bite it. Not sure who. It won't be Arthur, though, 'cause we already had our close-call with him in book 5, nor Bill, 'cause he was almost killed in book 6.

8. Pettigrew will be back for one last disaster. I expect this will probably be some kind of showdown with Lupin, since he's the last of the living Marauders. Besides, that silver hand of his is just waaaaay too convenient.

9. Kreacher in specific and/or the House Elves in general will be vitally important in some way. Not sure how. But we'd damned well better get something out of all that, and it had better come out making the whole slavery thing look bad.

10. One way or another, I will end up writing fic to make whatever happens in book 7 point toward Snape and Lupin having once been a couple.

Okay, so that last one is a gimme. But I felt the need to have an even ten. ;)