hey, it's a pretty movie
May. 7th, 2004 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rivendellroseSaw Van Helsing tonight with the crew - although it was silly and "bad" as all hell, I honestly enjoyed it. In fact, I don't think I've laughed so hard in a good while.
To be fair, I had a bit of a feeling that this was going to be a silly, campy, action "ooo look at the exploding things!" type movie essentially on par with League of Extraordinary Gentleman. And I was right. Right down to the second big battle, wherein Van Helsing (gorgeously, stunningly, roguishly-handsomely portrayed by Hugh Jackman) battles... Mr. Hyde. Yes, ladies and gentleman, that was ass-crack showing above those tigh-fitting remains of pants. And no - it wasn't pretty. It was painful. Ow. The whole theater pretty much groaned at the same time, and I wimpishly raised my coat (which was already raised so I could hide from the nasty rotary-blade morning-star thingies that Van Helsing threw).
Dracula... was delightful. A bit flamboyant, a bit... well... let's just say he picked up on a lot of homoerotic undertones that Bram Stoker... well, come to think of it, he would have loved them, probably. Very nice performance, anyway.
The girl was... well, it was Kate Beckinsale in clothes that should have no place anywhere near a 'period' type drama. I'm sorry, pants that tight did not exist in the Victorian era, nor did those boots. And she had far too much product in her hair - which, sadly, didn't change the fact that Jackman's wig was much prettier. Oooo, the pretty hair.
David Wenham was adorable - his character was so terrifically cute. We all decided that they should make a sequel and make it entirely about the adventures of Friar Karl.
The brides of Dracula irritated me, until I decided to take it all as parody of the usual cliche, at which point I started enjoying them. They were actually pretty funny, in their way. The special effects were, on the whole, pretty good for Hollywood. I stand by my conviction, though, that no other special effects crew can stand up to what the WETA crew accomplished with LotR, particularly Return of the King. The werewolves... had doberman pinscher ears. That annoyed me. And may I just say that werewolf means man that transforms into WOLF, not 'big wolf-man-thing with weird attributes of both and neither.' And the end... the grinding and howling was just too much - it looked like the cover from a particularly strange Harlequin novel. Their faces were *fairly* well done, though, and I appreciated the way their eyes changed.
Oh, and my requisite bitchy political/religious rant for the movie - if you're going to put in a lovely little part with Buddhist monks and Catholic friars and men in turbans.... please, don't make crass, unpleasant parodies of the men in the turbans. Please. I beg you. It makes any sane person with the wit to notice want to LEAVE THE THEATER and demand their money back because you are religious bigots and pigs bowing to the current political climate of hate. Electrocution, already quite overused in this movie, was EXCEEDINGLY tasteless at that point. It made me feel quite ill and uncomfortable. Thank you.
I can't think of anything else to rant about right now, except for how sexy Hugh Jackman is. Gah, is he sexy. And the guy who played Kate Beckinsale's character's brother was also quite pretty. Mmmm the pretty men. Go if you want to see a lot of pretty things and a lot of silly action and laugh at improbable plot twists and lack of respect for physics. Don't go if you want to see something intelligent, serious, or thoughtful. And try to forgive them for the end - clearly their scriptwriters were brain-dead at that point.
Oh, and we saw the POA trailer!!! *SQUEE* First shot: Snape. Me: *dies*
After seeing that, the werewolves in Van Helsing were, to me, a way to absorb into my mind what poor Lupin *ought* to be done like. Not like some sort of strange capybara thing, as he is. *Sighs* WereWOLF, Mr. Cuaron, wereWOLF.
*High, annoying voice*: But a real werewolf would frighten the children - we can't have that!
Me: You cannot tell me, sir, that that was NOT your intention with the whole of the movie - your spine-candles bely your words immediately, as do your creepy-scary dementors. A nice wolf wouldn't have frightened the ones who were still conscious after all that, I don't think.
Besides, if you can't handle scaring a few kids, this clearly isn't the movie series for you to be directing - just think what you'll have to look forward to when we get to 4 and, god help us should the movies still be made at that point, 5.
To be fair, I had a bit of a feeling that this was going to be a silly, campy, action "ooo look at the exploding things!" type movie essentially on par with League of Extraordinary Gentleman. And I was right. Right down to the second big battle, wherein Van Helsing (gorgeously, stunningly, roguishly-handsomely portrayed by Hugh Jackman) battles... Mr. Hyde. Yes, ladies and gentleman, that was ass-crack showing above those tigh-fitting remains of pants. And no - it wasn't pretty. It was painful. Ow. The whole theater pretty much groaned at the same time, and I wimpishly raised my coat (which was already raised so I could hide from the nasty rotary-blade morning-star thingies that Van Helsing threw).
Dracula... was delightful. A bit flamboyant, a bit... well... let's just say he picked up on a lot of homoerotic undertones that Bram Stoker... well, come to think of it, he would have loved them, probably. Very nice performance, anyway.
The girl was... well, it was Kate Beckinsale in clothes that should have no place anywhere near a 'period' type drama. I'm sorry, pants that tight did not exist in the Victorian era, nor did those boots. And she had far too much product in her hair - which, sadly, didn't change the fact that Jackman's wig was much prettier. Oooo, the pretty hair.
David Wenham was adorable - his character was so terrifically cute. We all decided that they should make a sequel and make it entirely about the adventures of Friar Karl.
The brides of Dracula irritated me, until I decided to take it all as parody of the usual cliche, at which point I started enjoying them. They were actually pretty funny, in their way. The special effects were, on the whole, pretty good for Hollywood. I stand by my conviction, though, that no other special effects crew can stand up to what the WETA crew accomplished with LotR, particularly Return of the King. The werewolves... had doberman pinscher ears. That annoyed me. And may I just say that werewolf means man that transforms into WOLF, not 'big wolf-man-thing with weird attributes of both and neither.' And the end... the grinding and howling was just too much - it looked like the cover from a particularly strange Harlequin novel. Their faces were *fairly* well done, though, and I appreciated the way their eyes changed.
Oh, and my requisite bitchy political/religious rant for the movie - if you're going to put in a lovely little part with Buddhist monks and Catholic friars and men in turbans.... please, don't make crass, unpleasant parodies of the men in the turbans. Please. I beg you. It makes any sane person with the wit to notice want to LEAVE THE THEATER and demand their money back because you are religious bigots and pigs bowing to the current political climate of hate. Electrocution, already quite overused in this movie, was EXCEEDINGLY tasteless at that point. It made me feel quite ill and uncomfortable. Thank you.
I can't think of anything else to rant about right now, except for how sexy Hugh Jackman is. Gah, is he sexy. And the guy who played Kate Beckinsale's character's brother was also quite pretty. Mmmm the pretty men. Go if you want to see a lot of pretty things and a lot of silly action and laugh at improbable plot twists and lack of respect for physics. Don't go if you want to see something intelligent, serious, or thoughtful. And try to forgive them for the end - clearly their scriptwriters were brain-dead at that point.
Oh, and we saw the POA trailer!!! *SQUEE* First shot: Snape. Me: *dies*
After seeing that, the werewolves in Van Helsing were, to me, a way to absorb into my mind what poor Lupin *ought* to be done like. Not like some sort of strange capybara thing, as he is. *Sighs* WereWOLF, Mr. Cuaron, wereWOLF.
*High, annoying voice*: But a real werewolf would frighten the children - we can't have that!
Me: You cannot tell me, sir, that that was NOT your intention with the whole of the movie - your spine-candles bely your words immediately, as do your creepy-scary dementors. A nice wolf wouldn't have frightened the ones who were still conscious after all that, I don't think.
Besides, if you can't handle scaring a few kids, this clearly isn't the movie series for you to be directing - just think what you'll have to look forward to when we get to 4 and, god help us should the movies still be made at that point, 5.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-05-08 09:47 am (UTC)But can I just say...Hugh Jackman was yummy as anything. Who was the prince and where can I get me one? And David Wenham...Faramir he was not, but oh did he crack me up.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-10 05:16 pm (UTC)Oh, hell yes. There certainly was no lack of pretty men in that movie. It was a lovely lovely collection.