(no subject)

[rivendellrose]

Due to the recent comatose state of theladyfeylene's smut-muse (which, I should point out, was caused by the violation of certain rules that I think should be common-law to writers), I'm beginning to think there should be a guidebook - sort of like the style-guides they sell for college essay-writing - that describes "What you should and should NOT do in an RP or fanfic."

Anybody feel like helping me collect Don'ts? Specific to the smut-section, I think these are a few really good guidelines to start with....

1. Take a good look at the words you use in your smut. Does it sound like something your doctor or a medical textbook would say? Something your grandmother would say (unless you have a really cool grandma, this is not a good sign), or what you would find in a crappy romance novel? Does it sound like something that might be involved in defecation or the digestion of food?

If NONE of the above are true, you may write it and move on.

2. What is the experience level of the participants? Keep this in mind, please! If they were a virgin a month ago, it's unlikely they are a sex god/dess now. Yes, I'm sure natural talent exists, but let's not place all our faith on that.

3. Not every man has a gigantic cock. Not even every sexy man. Nor are all women's breasts perfectly shaped, or what-have-you. I realize this is smut, but let's strive for a tiny bit of realism here, people, please? And even if your character does happen to have a perfect rack or be endowed like a horse... do we really need to have that constantly repeated. Repetition is not necessarily your friend.

Comments

*loves you*

[theladyfeylene.livejournal.com]

This is for RP only:

If you're RPing a smut scene, don't pretend you know the level of the other player's character. Do not make the other player's character out to be some awesome sex god unless they've made it clear, in their posts, that they are. When the other person goes out of their way to stress how fumbly and awkward their character is, don't go on about how amazing and skilled they are. Cause...no. It doesn't work that way!

And here here on the word usage! *hides in fear of things like 'paradise of bowels' and 'sweet tight innards'*

Re: *loves you*

[onefishjyuufish.livejournal.com]

*hides in fear of things like 'paradise of bowels' and 'sweet tight innards'*

Sweet Jesus. D:

I was pretty sure I didn't want to know what you meant when you mentioned it on your lj. Now I'm sorry that I have an idea. ;_;

Re: *loves you*

[theladyfeylene.livejournal.com]

It takes a strong blow to fell the smut!muse. That did it. That is not sexy! That is sickening!

Oh, another rule: Don't be afraid of the word 'scrotum'. Dude, it's the only word there is for it. Just use it and deal. Trust me, you get used to it.

Re: *loves you*

[sassyinkpen.livejournal.com]

*hides in fear of things like 'paradise of bowels' and 'sweet tight innards'*

OMG - reminds me of the essay I wrote involving my research into "real gay porn" for writing inspiration....

"Assvault" and "dicksnot" spring instantly to mind.

Re: *loves you*

[theladyfeylene.livejournal.com]

.....

ASSvault????

Is that a vault in which asses are kept?

I've heard of the second one and I hoped it was some sort of urban myth sort of thing.

Re: *loves you*

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

"Assvault" and "dicksnot" spring instantly to mind.

o.O That really is disturbing.

...And what might be worse is that I'm sitting here being bothered by the fact that both of those ought to be hyphenated. I really hate being an English major, sometimes.

[onefishjyuufish.livejournal.com]

4. Mix it up a little, for the love of Bob. If you write multiple sex scenes, and also if you have other characters you write sex scenes for, find new ways of describing things. Not everything feels the same, not everyone experiences it the same.

Addendum to 1: If what you are writing sounds like anything a very "macho" man might say then please put your pencil/keyboard down and know that you are no longer allowed to play. "Crude" language is generally just offensive and not at all interesting to read.

Rule: There is no way to describe female genitalia that does not come off as either flowery or porntastic or medical. Just give it up and do the best you can.

[bluerose16.livejournal.com]

Rule: There is no way to describe female genitalia that does not come off as either flowery or porntastic or medical. Just give it up and do the best you can.

XD SO TRUE! You don't know how many times I've tried, but everything is just so - it sounds terrible when written. And, I mean, this is coming from a lesbian, so it's not that I can't stand the real thing...

[onefishjyuufish.livejournal.com]

OH. Almost forgot.

6. You do not have to be a 'ho or really much experienced at all in order to write a decent sex scene (but it doesn't hurt), so long as you use some common sense and do some goddamn research.

Slash and Yaoi
- Men's asses are not self-lubricating. Really. Lube is everyone's friend.
- Not every (gay)guy likes buttsex.
- Lube, dammit. Lube.

Femmeslash and Yuri
- Girls do not like fists right off the bat (or the bat either most of the time). Small space there, trust me.
- Holy Jesus, it is not all about the vagina. Meet your friend the clitoris.

...I have no idea why I'm spamming you like this. XD

[theladyfeylene.livejournal.com]

Men's asses are not self-lubricating. Really. Lube is everyone's friend.

Oh my god, could I tell you stories! *twitches* But I'll spare your sanity, because I love you. But you think someone who thinks describing anal penetation as 'paradise of bowels' is going to be big on lube? The answer is no. Not at all. But it's still magically slick! *shudders*

Dude, yeah, so sorry for the spammage.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

*Applauds the common sense*

And you're spamming because I asked for suggestions, and because this is a ridiculous and insanely funny topic to sit around and make rules about. ~.^

[wymsie.livejournal.com]

Remember what your character is wearing or not wearing. One moment the person is dressed, then a few lines later they are naked or in a negligee. Don't make the reader scroll back up to re-read the story to make sure they haven't lost their mind.

From a recent fic (to remain nameless): A man removed his clothes, was said to be naked. A bit later on he pulled his partner, whom he'd spanked, onto his lap. The partner noticed the roughness of the first man's pants on his painful arse. After a bit of coddling the first man laid his partner down, positioned himself and entered his partner in one swift motion.

Yes, plot is important, smut and kinks are great but please don't loose track of your character's states of dress.

BTW This is a great idea. Oh, I found you through theladyfelene's recent post. *waves*

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Lol - the image of this poor guy being dressed, then undressed.... then dressed again.... but only a little maybe... and then miraculously undressed again. That's just hilarious.

*Waves* Hi! I shall now use nearly the same icon as you because it makes me laugh whenever I see that someone else has it... and because the world needs more terrifically cute sword-toting cats, damn it. ~.^

[bluerose16.livejournal.com]

Maybe they're magical, disappearing pants. ::nods wisely::

XD LOVE THE ICON!

[jamie2109.livejournal.com]

I too have come (no pun intended) via Fey's lj entry *waves at Fey* and would just like to add.

1) Dont try to be too descriptive of positions. You can lose the momentum too easily if you take forever to describe to the inch where legs or arms or head or whatever is. Sometimes the imagination is better than we think, and the emotion of what is happening should speak for itself.

2) Smut can be tender as well as pornographic. As such, use the apporpriate language for the mood. Theres no point in He slammed his cock hard into his arse if the two are 'making love' now is there?

3) Also on the same topic, the words spoken by the participants should also be approrpriate. Having one person screaming out obscenities when the other is being tender and loving is a sure fire put off.

Sounds logical right? Believe me I've read them before. Maybe its the twelve year olds.

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

When reading this sort of thing, I'm generally praying that it's not the twelve year olds, no matter how poor the writing. But, considering the state of society as it is... yeah, it could very well be.

Also, I must say - I should post about rules for smut more often. This is more new people than my LJ almost ever sees!

[glitterdemon.livejournal.com]

Having one person screaming out obscenities when the other is being tender and loving is a sure fire put off.

I don't think this is necessarily true. The screaming might be off in that situation, but there are several ways to utter a curse during sex that don't involve screaming and won't detract from the scene. Sometimes people swear when something feels good, you know?

[onefishjyuufish.livejournal.com]

1) Dont try to be too descriptive of positions. You can lose the momentum too easily if you take forever to describe to the inch where legs or arms or head or whatever is. Sometimes the imagination is better than we think, and the emotion of what is happening should speak for itself.

With an exception for RPed smut. Pleasepleaseplease give at least enough description so that the person you are playing with has a clue where legs and arms (and whatever else) are. If you're confused, likely the audience will be too, and that's not a good thing.

At the very least talk it out in OOC, even if it's embarrassing (yes, I've had people refuse to describe it >.>; for crissakes, you're writing porn or erotica, no need to be shy!).

[sathien.livejournal.com]

• draw a v. definite line between -making love- and -just sex-

unprecedented exchange of bodily fluids provoked by a mere glaring contest does not really offer reason enough to get all romantic over it. also, of course smut is smut and there's nothing we can do about its stark plainness but at least provide a plausible enough reason (i keep repeating this word) for such. doesn't have to be a plot, mind; a good-enough excuse will do.



• handling of figures of speech makes or breaks the smut. please, we are in it for sex here, not for some shocking circus act. well, unless of course if that's the main point of your smut. even so, here are few of those cases you wouldn't want your smut to identify with.


case #1 : simile
her throbbing breasts are like balloons filled up with too much helium, ready to burst

case #2 : metaphor
his cock is a beast to devour anything that stands in its way of appeasing hunger

case #3 : personification
his penis can hear her entrance's muffled need for release....

case #4 : onomatopoeia
his engorged member hissed out what resulted of their touches as she plopped down the mattress, exhausted and weak

case #5 : hyperbole
he could not believe he just sucked in an elephant.

well we could not believe either. i mean, mygod! and i actually have read some stuff like these. *barfs* as much as possible, do avoid onomatopoeia and personification. just please.



• watch those superlatives. you wouldn't want every single scene to seem like the climax now would you?



• also, pay attention to the pace. too much pre-sex tends to get tedious. check the realism of the actual sex. not all people can actually hold it for another 15 minutes after an almost-ejaculation.



• when using toys and other whatnots, check for the safety of its usage. i've read a GW fic before which involved the use of those spiked-balls-thing (that Japanese girl's weapon in Kill Bill) and some thorned-whip. in the end, Wufei-the-uke still manages to be alive after all the beating. talk about stamina.



• another thing: girls have breasts, boys have chests. unless of course someone's a transgenderist.



• in slash smut, specifically with maleslash, check carefully your sex positions. is it do-able at such age? is it do-able at all? could someone have broken his back or something? Harry and Draco are athletes so they're probably flexible and all but god, don't make Neville or Crabbe or Goyle do all that bending. it's just not right.

so, there. i have to say i totally agree with what you've mentioned. esp #3. i hate it when everyone suddenly turns out to be a sex deity or something. good luck on this project!

-sath via daily_snitch

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Your examples for bad use of figures of speech... oh please, tell me you haven't actually run across those - have you? The mind boggles at what some people think is sexy....

[bluerose16.livejournal.com]

Rivendellrose, would you mind terribly if I friended you? I actually came across this discussion via "daily_snitch" ... and you just sound utterly cool ^_~

I won't go into some of the horrendous phrases that I have heard in smutfics. I'd have to say, the best-written-yet-grossest sex scene I have ever read was nestled within an otherwise outstanding fanfic by Sushi entitled 'In Academia'. Suffice to say, it was Snape/Peter, and she LIKED talking about how fat and drooling that excuse for a man was. *________*

At least Sushi never used the term 'paradise of bowels'! ::shudder::

And, theladyfeylene, I must ask ... are you THE Lady Feylene? As in the author of 'Sex Ed', which I found on noire.sensus ? If so, you're my hero. If not, you still crack me up like an egg. XD

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

Not at all - go right ahead!

You raise an important point - there are times when different styles that might otherwise be seen as 'bad' are perfectly appropriate, and even perfect for the situation. Like almost everything about language and writing, everything depends on the circumstances and whether you use your words carefully, for meaning, or just sort of randomly.

I've never actually pictured Peter as like that - from the descriptions in the book, I get the sense that he was more chubby and babyish than fat (when he was younger, at least - PoA describes him as thin, but showing signs he'd once been fat, if I recall), and more obsequious (and sometimes desperate) than drooling. It all depends on interpretation, though.

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

I'm just passing through via daily_snitch but I just had to comment on this.

I must say, I enjoy a nice piece of smut every now and then, and I do realise that sex is the main point of writing/reading slash, but I would just like to stress the importance of building it up first. To me it's far more exciting to write/read a nicely built up scenario, which leads to sex but whose climax comes before the sex, instead of being the sex itself, or a story which starts with smut as a shock effect, but then moves on to unravel the story behind it. Am I being obscure enough with my point?:)

I would like to see more fiction, where the smut is only sort of a bonus that comes after the main event, whatever that might be. The storyline and the tension between the characters should be the reason we read/write these things, right? The real turn on for me comes way before the smut actually kicks in, and that's probably why I've always been absolutely pathetic at writing sex scenes (I've gone from writing Ikea assembly instructions to nearly ignoring the sex altogether...)

So, if I catch a glimpse Sirius's nipples before the end of page one, or the fic starts with Snape parading around with a leathal weapon sticking out of his robes, just searching for an orafice to shove it into, then I run, I run like I've run far too many times before.

In conclusion, my 'don't' would be, don't go straight to the point. Even if it's just a PWP, let ít build up to the smut, even a little; make it even remotely plausible before you lay it all out for us. It's so much nicer to take the scenery route instead of going in medias res, although after that, smut may ensue in many glorious and (hopefully) witty forms:)

Love, Kleio

[bluerose16.livejournal.com]

...or a story which starts with smut as a shock effect, but then moves on to unravel the story behind it.

I agree completely. That's a great way technique, but not one that I have seen used very often. The only one I can think of is 'Hearts and Flowers' by Louise Lux ... which begins with a rather delicious sex scene between Harry and Snape which is curtailed by Dobby accidentally stumbling in, and what ensues is a hilarious humor fic, which is the exact opposite of what I had been expecting from the opening scene. XD ::giggles to self:: I have to reread that one...

[rivendellrose.livejournal.com]

I agree completely - smut shouldn't be the only thing the story (or the RP!) contains. I appreciate a good sex scene... but there are many other lovely things to deal with in writing, and writings that only deal with sex and nothing else seem, generally, to be pretty soul-less.

And plausibility is everything. I have cursed many a wonderful writer for making some other-wise unthought of pairing suddenly seem totally reasonable to me. ;)

Thanks for the input!